New Year's Eve

Well I will make this quick. I have been off line for a while. Had a great Christmas and had a very good time with our family. It was sad though because Jane couldn't be with us - the boys had the flu.

Abbi was amazing. She loved entertaining and getting lots of attention. She also LOVED Jake.

Tonight is New Year's eve. It is such a funny thing. I really could care less about ringing in the new year. It is just another night as far as I am concerned but hopefully I will have a bit of fun. Adria, Dan and Christine are going to come over and play board games. Steve is working.

My mom is doing okay but I still worry about her a lot. I know that there is nothing I can do but love her, spend time with her and be there for her but it is soooo hard to let go.

Gotta run, Abbi is fussing.

Big Girl in Crib 

Great Grandma Duncan 

6 months 

big news

This has been a big week. We found out that Adria and Dan are expecting. She is due on June 17th - two days after Abbi's birthday. I am so excited for them both and pray that everything will go well for them.

I am also finding myself growing more into this whole motherhood role. It hasn't been easy but I feel like I am getting better at things. I don't think I have blown up at Steve for quite a while. He has been working like crazy the last little bit and I have been very understanding and patient. That might end because he went to a Christmas party in Woodstock last night and stayed up until after 5am! I won't have much sympathy for him today I can say that much. We are going to church and then to a Christmas gathering this afternoon. I will make sure he doesn't cop out of it! Abbi got up at 5:30am this morning so I was up then too!

I hope to go away for a night soon. I am not sure where I will go but I think it might be time for me to go somewhere over night.

getting used to this

I think I am getting more and more used to this mom stuff. I can't say it is getting easier because with each stage/age there is a new challenge but I think I am enjoying myself more and not getting too stressed about stuff. Although I haven't been sleeping very well at all and I am wondering what is causing this. I sleep soundly for the first few hours and then toss and turn for hours after that.

We are going to see Steve's grandma tomorrow in TO. She hasn't met Abbi yet and since she is 96 we feel we better do this soon. Hopefully the car ride is fine and she sleeps most of the way.

I finally have a few picture where Abbi is smiling. The little monkey will smile, smile, smile until you pull out a camera.

Equality

I think I know now what has been bugging me so much. I was raised in the era of equality for women. Somewhere along the way I began to think that equality meant a 50/50 split. While this is great ideally, I don't think it is possible. I don't think men are wired to care for children like women. The only problem is how do I tell my brain that this is the case because my brain is screaming for the 50/50. I guess just constant reminders....

Things are good. I took Abbi to get photos done today. No smiles for the camera. She makes me laugh..Oh well - at least she didn't cry.

get me back inside! 

snowy day Dec 2 

typing with one hand should be some sort of sport! i am getting used to it though. life is good except for some headaches i am getting. i wonder if mr hormones are acting up because i'm not breastfeeding any more. i miss it but the bottle feeding is ok too. Abbi is starting to squirm a lot when i try to feed her but i find that if i let her play with my face & hair it keeps her happy.

i think she is either teething or her ear is still bugging her because she has been cranky today. Although her cranky is most mother's dream i am sure. my mom is coming for a visit tomorrow. i am excited to see her.

ciao

white wash

A white wash has fallen over London today. I think we have had a foot of snow since 7am. It is beautiful but I am sure the roads will be really bad today. I do love the look of snow though. It is truly a magical thing. It makes everything so clean and bright...and innocent looking. I think when Steve gets home from work I will suggest that I shovel the snow while he takes care of Abbi. Then I can get some exercise and just enjoy being outside...

Abbi is getting over her cold. She is breathing out of her nose again. I was looking at her this morning and trying to picture what she will look like as a little girl. I honestly can't believe she is almost 6 months already. How fortunate I am to be able to take almost a year off of work. I feel truly blessed. We are very lucky to have that benefit here in Canada. I know in the US and in many countries in Europe it is a much shorter time frame. I know ours used to be as well. I can't imagine going back after 4 months or sooner. I think that is when Chantal went back. And I don't think Jane ever took more than 6 months because doctors don't even get EI. How blessed I am!

50/50

Yesterday I had coffee with Amy and she said something that really hit home. She said that one of her friends recently said to her the sooner you give up the myth that men and women can have a 50/50 split, the sooner you will be able to enjoy things more. It is funny but I honestly believed that marriage could be 50/50 and in our case, I think before Abbi came along things were pretty evenly divided. Sure there were weeks where I felt I was doing everything and I am sure Steve felt the same way but now that Abbi is here, I just don't see us ever having a 50/50 split again. I fear that when I go back to work a lot of the stuff that I do now will still be expected because men just can't multi-task like women.

So my new goal is to remind myself every day that the 50/50 split is a myth. I will likely always carry more on my shoulders but hey- I am strong. I am a woman afterall! I am sure I will have momentary bouts of bitterness but that is normal isn't it?

How cute are my pj's? 

My new friend Lilly 

Ready for Christmas 

I met Lilly today. It was funny but seeing Cate as a mom made it even more real to me that I am a mother. This isn't a phase, it isn't something that will ever change. I am and now always will be a mom. That is such a strange concept for me. I am not sure that I ever really truly believed that I would be a mom. I am enjoying it but it sure does play with one's mind. Especially since I used to be such a commitment phobe. I still remember how Dan Taylor and I used to joke that we would end up together because our first marriages would fail and we would end up growing old together. I know that was such a cynical view to have and I honestly don't know why I used to feel that way. My parents never divorced. I knew very few parents who did and I don't plan on ever doing it either now that I am married. I guess there was a time I thought it was romantic.

Yes, today was the first time the four of us were together (Cate, Peter, Adria and me) with Lilly and Abbi. It truly does mark a new era. Getting married is one thing but kids and babies are a whole different ball game.

Abbi is doing really well. She is sitting on her own and is eating solids like crazy. She has had an ear infection but other then that she is great. It is getting to be more fun and the mystery of each day is beginning to grow on me. Sometimes it still gets to me but on the whole I think I am easing into it more and more...

growing up

I thought I would write some thoughts on the end of breastfeeding. It seems as though my body has decided that the end is here. I am sad because I didn't want to stop just yet but a number of events have led to this. In some strange way I feel like a failure but I also know that rationally, Abbi had a good run at it and she was able to get the benefits that breastfeeding offers. If we have another baby I will try to nurse a little while longer but if they like sleeping at night as much as Abbi does then I might have the same issue.

Why do I have all of these emotions around BF? I know it is normal to feel this way but it doesn't change things...It is strange because when I started breastfeeding I wasn't sure I wanted to continue because of all the troubles but you soon forget that and only remember the calm and quiet times. I know...we can still have those times but it is just different.

a little sad tonight.

better days

I have had better days and I have had worse days. Today was somewhere in the middle. Abbi isn't feeling well and she slept quite a bit today but when she was awake she was a little off. Plus because I know she isn't feeling great, I tend to think about her more and worry about her a little bit. Steve had an audit today and it started out the day on a sour note when he came home and realized he brought the bar keys home with him. Then the audit didn't go well and he started getting upset at the computer and the numbers etc...

We then got under each other's skin for the rest of the day it seemed. I imagine this whole week will be a bit like that. Steve works a lot, he has a driving test tomorrow, Joan is here and I have to pick her up from the farm Wednesday and take her to the airport early early on Thursday...oh, well.

It hasn't been a horrible day, just not a great one. On the whole though I think I am dealing with Abbi better.

Who needs toys when you have buckets on your head? 

I wonder when my next meal will be? 

baptism 

baptism

Today was Abbi's baptism. It went well and she was a doll but man am I glad it is over. I haven't been sleeping well for a week just because I have been thinking about it. I think part of it is fear of being judged by my family for the church I choose to attend. And part of it is getting worked up about having company over. I worry that not everyone will be taken care of and I can't help out as much because of Abbi. I have hostess fear. Strange. It stems from the service industry when serving is your job and you are responsible for taking care of everything but when I entertain at home I treat it as if I am a server, instead of relaxing and letting people help themselves etc...

Joan is here. It is nice to see her. She stayed with us last night and will again on Wednesday before heading back to Calgary. She is at the farm with my parents tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday night.

I am sure she will be great company for mom. Mom did really well today. She looked great and enjoyed seeing Abbi all dressed up in her gown. I think I am going to get a portrait done of Abbi in her gown. I have an appointment for her on Dec. 9th.

Can't wait to get some sleep tonight - I hope I sleep soundly although Abbi has a cold.

It is Thursday night and I haven't had a melt down this week. Must be a turning point. Let's hope so! Abbi is doing so well and I have actually had two chances to get out of the house alone this week. Monday I went shopping and to a meeting and yesterday Adria and I went to a movie together. I think that is a first in a very long time!

I feel human again and like an individual (not just mom, wife, pair of boobs etc...). Joan is coming this Saturday for almost a week to visit mom. Of course she wants to meet the babe too. I am picking her up on Saturday. Abbi's baptism is on Sunday and then Joan returns to Calgary on Thursday.

Mom is doing quite well. She went wig shopping today. She has been shopping up a storm getting new outfits, boots, winter jacket etc.. She deserves it. I look forward to seeing her at the christening. She is really excited to see Abbi in her dress. Me too. She will be cute - I will post a photo or two. We are having about 24 people here for lunch after.

Chow.

Mom and babe 

First Food 

First Halloween 

slowing down

I have been slowing down about posting because I have been getting out more. This week was actually fairly busy. Halloween was Monday, Tuesday can't remember what happened, Wednesday Abbi and I went to the library for books for babies and I had Bree over for nearly 5 hours. Friday I went to Waterloo to see Julie's new house.

Abbi started solid food this week too! It has been an adventure so far but she is doing really well. She has had rice cereal and parsnips. She is becoming more active and more vocal with each passing day. I think she will likely be rolling over within the next couple of weeks from her back to her front. She is already sitting up. She has that look in her eye like she wants to start moving. Abbi has been waking up again a few nights this week. Hopefully I can get her back on track soon.

Steve and I got to go out last night because Adria and Dan offered to watch Abbi. We had a really nice time. We went out for a beer and some apps at the Keg. Monday I am going to go out for the whole afternoon by myself. Steve and Abbi are going to spend some quality time together. Should be interesting for us both. He is also going to watch her on Wednesday night so Adria and I can go to a movie. Will be nice to get a bit of a break this week.

Mom and Dad were in town today and stopped by. Mom is doing a lot better and has been out shopping up a storm. She is really looking forward to the baptism.
Well should run. I have some reading to do.

chemo

mom had her first chemo appointment today. she called when she got home and it sounded like it went really well. I think the fact that she likes the doctor - Dr. Sugimoto- it helps a lot! She was in good spirits although tired. I am sure tomorrow she will be really tired. We are going to stop by after the baby shower in Mitchell.

I will post some photos after the shower. Waiting for Abbi to wake up before her last feed. It is strange, she never sleeps this long before her last meal. Maybe she thinks that she is in bed already for good....hummm. Not sure if I should wake her or continue to let her sleep. Guess I will let her sleep. Will go and check on her though.

It is strange. I sometimes pray for these moments when she is asleep, so I can have some time alone and then I start to miss her. She is becoming so interactive and fun. Her smile lights up my life.

faith

We were talking about faith at my small group meeting on Monday night. The question asked was, does everyone have faith? Steve's answer was yes - you either have faith in a higher power or you have faith that there is no higher power.

I was thinking back to my teenage and early 20's and I used to sit on the side that said there was no higher power or I believed "something" was out there but I didn't believe they created everything etc...how far I have come in my faith.

Probably one of the best explainations of this came from Steve's class last year...you can believe there is a God and that Jesus was who he said he was, if you are right you ultimately "win" everything. If you are wrong, you won't know until you are dead and you haven't really lost anything. If there is a God and you deny him your entire life then you lose everything because you had the chance to have believe but you turned it down and now it is too late.

I like how rational this is because even for people who need proof that there is a God, the above explanation at least shows some rationality. Mind you, I don't think you should only believe in God because of rational thinking. I think that believing in God calls for some irrationality because many times believing in God means going against the grain of today's popular culture.

Tomorrow is Abbi's four month check up - yes even though she is 4.5 months old. She has to get her immunization shots and be weighed etc...Not looking forward to it but will be glad when it is over. I think I am enjoying being home a little bit more with each week. It isn't that I miss work, but I sometimes miss life before baby. You really have no idea how much things change until it happens to you. As she matures and shows more emtion it is easier and easier to love her and I can't imagine not having her. I also sometimes look at her and wonder how people can hurt children. I looked at her the other day and I couldn't help think about how Ricky Martin said on Oprah that he heard of a man who paid $10,000 to have sex (rape) a five month old baby. I looked at her and thought what a horrific thing. How could anyone do that? I also think about how I was molested as a young child and am starting to grasp how my mom felt when she found out.

heavy topics. grey day.

toes taste good 

out for a stroll 

good day

Today was a good day. I am starting to appreciate all of Abbi's cute little faces and reactions more and more. Babies are such a remarkable thing. They learn and grow so quickly. I don't feel like a typical mom that wants to catch every single minute and write it all down or take tons of photos but I am amazed at how she is "growing up."

We went to the farm for lunch today. It was nice to go for a drive and to see my parents. My mom seemed really quite good today. Chemo starts on Friday. Hopefully it doesn't wipe her out too much.

I will post a picture of our walk the other day.

help!

Today hasn't been a good day and it is only 11am! This motherhood stuff is hard...real hard. I love her to bits but I tried to get her down for a nap this morning for over an hour and she just wouldn't. I ended up feeding her and she fell asleep while eating....why is it so hard? You get things figured out and everything changes. Last night she screamed and would not go to bed. She didn't finally sleep until 10 something when she normally goes to bed at 7:30pm. I guess she could be going through another growth spurt or teething but man is it ever hard....i just don't like not knowing the answer. Is she sick or teething or hungry or just fussy.....It doesn't help that I didn't get to bed til 2am because Steve and I had a big talk.

Hopefully it will get better. Just needed to vent.

I am starting to worry that my mom isn't going to feel better. She just doesn't seem to be recovering...it seemed originally like she was getting better each day and now she just doesn't seem to be feeling any better.

Wish there was something I could do to help.

Leslie

morning

I love the morning. I find it quiet. Like it was created just for me. I guess that is one of the benefits of being a morning person. When I lived in France the mornings were so special. While everyone around me slept, I enjoyed dewy mornings with my coffee. Strolling through campus in the foggy mist. I loved sitting in my window looking out at the Mediterranean or jogging along the Grande Corniche.

Mornings are a time to experience newness and rebirth.

Jane called, we are going to go to the farm to visit mom and dad on Friday. She is worried mom isn't bouncing back like expected. I talked to mom today and she sounded down. She said she doesn't feel like eating anything and she isn't sleeping well again. Will she recover from this surgery? God only knows. And I mean that. We all hope and wish for it but we don't know and we can only ask God for his grace in this matter.

I am trying to be at peace with things either way because that is what we are supposed to do right? The one thing I can't get out of my mind right now though is how much I want Abbi to have a memory of her grandma. Since Steve's parents are already gone, she only has my parents around to be grandparents. Growing up I was so lucky to have nana and poppy living beside us on the farm. I knew the true joy of having grandparents closeby.

Of course I also want my mom around for my sake, my dad's sake and everyone else in the family but now that I have Abbi. I think about her a lot.

the day after

yesterday was thanksgiving. It was nice although my mom still wasn't feeling very well. Steve just got back from shopping. He is sooo excited about halloween and his costume. He loves to get the house all decked out and try to frighten the kids.

should run, abbi is waking up.

Auntie Jane loves to cuddle 

cool ride 

always look up 

coy 

16 weeks 

sleep

I can't believe how Abbi sleeps...it is after 8am and she is still asleep. I put her to bed last night just before 8pm....I have been in her room this morning putting clothes away but she hasn't really stirred. It is quite remarkable.

thanksgiving

Usually this is my favourite holiday. I love the fall air, the changing colours of the trees and I like the fact that we get together as family but it isn't centred around gifts. I try to be thankful everyday because I know that I am very very fortunate. I have a wonderful family, a great husband, a beautiful daughter and incredible friends. Many people are not nearly as fortunate.

Although this has been a hard couple of months with things with my mom, I must say how thankful I am to still have her here and I pray that she will be with us for many more holidays. My hope is that Abigail will be able to remember her grandma. I remember so well growing up with Nana and Poppy on the farm and how special it was having them there. Steve and I have talked a lot about my parents living with us or beside us if they sell the farm. We just haven't talked to them about it. I imagine the farm will be sold before the year is out though.

Steve, Abbi and I went for a nice walk yesterday. It was the perfect fall temperature. We put a hat on Abbi to make sure she wasn't too cold. She looked so cute. Adria and Dan came over for dinner and then we played Poker...it was great. Today we will go to church and then I think we are going to watch a movie this afternoon. Tuesday I am getting together with Bree. Should be fun

I'm back

I spent the week at my parent's helping my mom and dad get settled again. They were really happy to have me there and thankful I could help out. I also really enjoyed being there with Abbi and just spending time with them. It has been a while since I spent a few nights with them on the farm. I am feeling a bit better now. We had the meeting with the surgeon on Tuesday and he was amazing at explaining things.

My mom will be starting chemotherapy this fall and will have 6 treatments. The treatments will be every three weeks. She wants to feel a bit better first before starting the treatments. She improved a lot in the 4 days I was with her.

Abbi did really well at the farm. I wasn't sure if her sleeping through the night would continue but it did! I am really impressed and incredibly thankful that she is doing this. It may not last but I will enjoy it while I can.

This is thanksgiving weekend and I am very thankful for all that I have. I am truly blessed.

quite a day

Mom is back at the hospital. Not sure if she will be in for the night, or a couple of days but she was sick to her stomach a number of times last night and this morning and ended up coming back to London tonight...it has been quite an emotional roller coaster and I am having a tough time holding it together. On the outside I am doing okay but inside I sometimes feel like I might explode. I have moments of vulnerability but for the most part I am trying to carry on. I can tell it is affecting abbi though. She has been more cranky.

can't believe how warm, humid, it was today. I am enjoying it but it means we will likely have a late start to winter and a long winter again.

worried about mom...we all have an appointment with the specialist tomorrow to find out the news from the surgery. We aren't expecting great news...hopefully it isn't too much of a blow though...i love my mom and want her to be around for a while yet. God - what is your plan? I try to turn myself over to you and let go but it is soooo hard. I need your guidance.

beautiful day

I just went for a walk with Abbi and it is a beautiful fall morning. It is actually quite warm but there is the smell of fall in the air. I love that smell. Not sure what is going on downtown but I could hear the faint sounds of Celtic Music in the background. Abbi fell asleep while we were walking.

I wanted to get out of the house to see if Steve could get a little extra sleep this morning. Not sure what time he got in but I didn't hear him last night.

Today we are heading to church and then later this afternoon I am going to my sister's for my nephew's birthday. She is ordering in Chinese food. Can't believe it has been 10 years since I was living in France. Actually this morning reminds me of mornings in France. It was about that temperature in the south of France on Mont Leuze. Oh what a year that was...

bored

It's Saturday night and I am listening to the sound of abbi smacking on her hand. She is a little off her routine tonight. She had a crying fit for about 40 minutes earlier...not like her at all. Hopefully I'm not in for a long tiring night.

I like being a mom so far, don't get me wrong, but it is by far the most mentally, physically and emotionally demanding job I think I will ever have. I love her to bits but it is hard sometimes not to get frustrated. I guess a lot of it has to do with how independent I am and I find it hard not having any time to myself. Steve tries to give me a bit of time here and there but I think it is because I feel like I am here 24/7.

Next week I will be with my parents all week so that should be interesting. I am hoping that all goes well and that it doesn't disrupt the babe too much.

Won't be online though so I won't be updating this for a while.

headache is gone, thank goodness for chiropractors and advil. Abbi is having a good sleep although I just realized I haven't eaten lunch yet. Guess I should do something about that.

Steve works tonight - will be a late night for him...church tomorrow and then it is Torrin's birthday.

hope mom is doing okay. won't see her until Monday now.

day at farm 

big smile 

in motion 

froggie