Christmas photos

Lonely day

I am having a hard day today...I am really missing mom today. I think it has something to do with the start of a New Year without her and the thought of not being able to call and wish her a Happy New Year. I am also thinking about Dad a lot today and how lonely he must feel. I have visions of New Year's eve's gone by with my mom in her nightgown dancing with my dad at midnight. I loved those times together as a family. I wish I could go back to those days again and sit and watch them dance and laugh together.

Christmas was pretty good. Different but good. It was great to have everyone together and to be at the farm. Abbi was adorable and loved having everyone around and paying attention to her. She has been a doll this entire holiday.

Tonight Steve and I are going to have a quiet night. Sip the champange that Greg and Chantal gave us when Abbi was born. We figure it is time. I look forward to just curling up with him and watching a movie.

Trying to make it a "Happy New Year"

Is it really December?

I can't believe that we are almost through the first week of December. I am not feeling any sort of Christmas type spirit yet. I don't want to go Christmas shopping and don't even want to hang our decorations. Maybe some of this has to do with knowing this is our first year without mom - I don't know.

Erin, from church, lost her mom on Saturday. I know there were different circumstances with her mom but I still feel bad for her. It is never easy to lose a parent, no matter what your relationship is with them. The funeral is tomorrow at 11. Jane is coming to watch Abbi for us.

There is a movie opening this weekend called Holiday and I really want to go and see it with the girls. I hope that I can convince Adria and Christine to see it with me on Saturday or Sunday.
Should run....

A little bit of heaven

It is 6:45am and I am the only one up. I went to bed early last night expecting Abbi to get up like she has been but low and behold, she made it through the night last night. I woke up at 4:12 thinking, WHY haven't I heard her. It took some time to go back to sleep but then I was awake at 6am and couldn't fall back asleep.

I like being the only one up in the mornings. When it happens (not often), it gives me time to think. It is funny because it seems forever since Abbi slept through the night but then when it happens again you can't help but think if something is wrong. I have to remind myself that she is in God's hands.

I was thinking of my mom while lying in bed. I was thinking of the last weekend we had with her and how we all got to be with her at her bedside. I was thinking how when Adria and Amy came to visit she asked them to take care of me. Just typing that makes me cry. Knowing that you are going to die and not being able to control or have influence on your family anymore must be heartbreaking. I am sure that mom is watching over us somehow but still. Those words just really affected me.

At the chalet her coverup was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Abbi wanted to play with it. Dad said it was okay to let her. She had fun wrapping it around her neck and dragging it around. Dad picked it up and smelled it and said it still smelled like mom. I caught myself a few times last weekend smelling it for comfort. I miss her smell.

Time off

Well today I am heading back to work after 5 days off. It has felt really good to spend time at home and get some extra cuddles and stuff. Abbi is at a really cute stage right now and she just makes me laugh. However since the time change, we have been experiencing early wakings and she also has one new tooth and perhaps 1-3 more on the way....she has been waking up at 5, 5:30 or 6am. She used to sleep until 7:30. I knew the late wakings wouldn't last but it sure spoils you. I think that we maybe should try an earlier bedtime too. I have a feeling that she is getting overtired by bedtime.

I really looked forward to going to the chalet but doing things like that just remind me that now that we have a child, the simple things that I loved before are no longer the same. Not to say they are worse, just different. I can't just relax and chill out at the chalet. I can't sleep in, I can't just hop in the car and go shopping without wondering how it will affect Abbi's sleep etc...Life changes more than you ever know once children are thrown in the mix.

Emotional day

So today has been an emotional one...I think partly because it is Sunday and partly because Steve works on Sunday afternoon's. I am alone for a good part of the afternoon and evening with Abbi; leaving me time to think. Something I don't have a lot of time for right now. Tonight I kept looking at Abbi and thinking how much I loved her. I was thinking how difficult it must be to say goodbye to your children because you love them soooo much! I sometimes look into Abbi's eyes and it is as if I am my mom, looking into my eyes. It is such an uncanny experience.

I was also thinking tonight that I loved hearing all the stories about mom when she was in the hospital. Stories about how she used to get Heather to rub her back or spell letters on her back etc... because she loved to get her back rubbed. Or how she and dad set up a booth at the Kitchener Farmer's market when Greg and Jane were little and they sold donuts to make some extra money....I miss her so much! I wish I could call and just hear her voice.

This weekend I have started to see a shift again in Abbi's actions and I keep thinking how mom would so love to play with her right now. She is such a character and she is really exploring a lot right now. My mom loved this age.

Thanksgiving

So the first family holiday without my mom has passed...it was hard but not as hard as expected. Do I miss her? Everyday without a doubt but I have a feeling that my faith changes how I feel about her passing. Dad shed a few tears at dinner on Sunday and I think he was feeling kind of sad but overall, it was just nice to have the family together. I know intellectually that she didn't want to live if she was going to be in pain and not be able to enjoy life. I saw her suffer for the last year and she wasn't able to be the person that she wanted to be. Knowing that she isn't in pain any longer helps to lessen the saddness I feel.

The hardest thing though is knowing that Abbi won't ever get to do trips with her and my dad. She won't get to stay at grandma and grandpa's house for vacation...she won't get to know what it is like to have grandparents. Are there any surrogate grandparents out there?

It didn't help that all of us were sick with colds this weekend. Steve didn't really suffer too badly but Abbi and I were both pretty sick. Monday was the worst for me. I actually went to bed at 7:30pm Monday night and got lots of sleep. It was badly needed because Sunday night, Abbi was up basically the whole night.

A letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

Yesterday you passed away. When you took your last breath, we were all by your side. I think you know that. Joe actually found some lavender in the garden of the hospital and brought it in. We put some on your pillow and the scent seemed to calm you down enough to take that important last breath. The last day you were asking to go home. I believe that you are home now.

Please know that I will be well taken care of. You have provided me with an incredible family (you couldn't have picked a better dad/husband), you have taught me how to be a friend (and I have incredible friends because of it) and most importantly you have taught me to be a good mom and wife.

While I didn't want you to go just yet, I know that this is better for you. I am so happy that you got to meet your granddaughter and princess. I can't wait to tell her stories about you. She will know you even if she won't remember you. You will always be an important person to her.

I know that you are just a conversation away and will continue to chat with you just like you were here.

I love you always, all ways.
Leslie

Does it ever get easier?

I don't mean to complain but I am going to. Motherhood sucks right now! Poor Abbi has been sick all weekend. It started Friday afternoon at the farm and got worse. We spent 4 hours in emerg on Friday night because she was throwing up...Saturday she could not be put down and I carried her around and rocked her the entire day. It was nice when she fell asleep on me but it was exhausting to say the least. Well today she got the runs and now diaper rash has also set in. I swear I am at my wit's end.

To top all of this off, Thursday we found out that we are looking at only having about 6 months left with my mom. I honestly don't know how to live without her. She is such a great friend and mentor. I love her so much and can't believe that our time is getting so limited.

Two good things though have recently happened- I got a new job and a good raise and I am done my final course for my masters on Tuesday - yep in two days. It has been hell to get through this course but the end is in sight.

I wanted to post and say that Abbi is walking. She started on Sunday (the 9th- I think). At first she would only really do it in her room but now she tries it everywhere. She has this kind of drunk strut when she walks that makes me laugh. It is so cool to see how quickly she learns. She is carrying things around and trying to carry 3 toys at the same time etc...too cute.

On a different note, my mom is sick and back in the hospital. I had really hoped that this wouldn't be the case but it seems as though chemo wasn't effective for her. We are in a bit of a waiting game right now but it doesn't look good. It is so hard to think about all of the what if's. I don't even know what to write or type because nothing seems to be what I really feel.

Praying for my mom.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Well the big day is here. I honestly cannot believe that it has been a year. In fact it will officially be a year in 38 minutes. Abbi was born at 3:36pm.

I don't think one can understand the feelings of being a mom until you are a mom. It is filled with highs and lows, yet love remains constant.

Almost one

I can't believe it...a year ago I was in early labour. I cut the grass, went for a big walk and then had a midwife appointment. In a day, Abbi will be one. I know people say this but seriously, where does the time go? At times I thought I would never survive, at times I have been so overwhelmed with feelings of joy, sorrow, frustration and of course love. No one can prepare you for parenthood. It happens the day you give birth and have a helpless bundle to take care of. There are times when you feel so inadequate, and times when you feel you have none of the answers. However God has a plan and just when you think you can't take anymore, or you can't survive without sleep or adult contact, a glimmer of hope happens. Next thing you know a year has passed and you can't help but miss that helpless bundle. How remarkable it is. What a true wonderment.

Love you kiddo! You are my sunshine, that is for sure.

Being back at work has been good for me. It is nice to have more time to myself and get out of the house. I will post more later but just wanted to post a quick update.

only 3 days left at home! I am starting to feel a bit strange. A combination of excitement and nervousness....today was a great distraction because Amy and Julie came to visit.

Abbi is teething again! I hope this tooth pops through before Monday. I am sooooo tired and hope that tonight is a better night. She was up from 10:30-12:30 last night and I just didn't sleep well. Steve and I also had a big chat last night and I feel better today but things have been pretty hectic around here.

I do look forward to a bit of me time while at work. I know I will miss her tons but the evenings will be great....

Two Weeks!?!?!?!

Wow am I feeling mixed emotions today. I return to work in two weeks and part of me is excited but part of me is sad too. I am excited to get out of the house and get involved in some other things but I am sad to not have Abbi beside me. I worry a bit about how things will be for Steve. He doesn't seem as convinced by the routine as I am. Maybe if I give him some slack and he can play with it a bit he may see why a routine is good....I just don't want little Abster to suffer. KWIM?

Easter was great. Abbi was so good (even though she had only one very short nap). We also went on an Easter Egg hunt in St. Mary's. Too cute.

not one of my better days....

I know I have said this before but I need to stop getting so frustrated when Abbi won't nap. Today she did not want to take her morning nap and I gave up and took her out to Books for Babies. It turned out great and then I got her down for a nap when we got home. She slept for 1.5 hours (I think). Then of course she didn't want to take her 2nd nap and so I kept her up until bedtime....she had a really fussy hour or so ....not fun. I couldn't get her to stop crying, and of course I wanted to cry etc.....now she is in bed and I pray that she is able to stay asleep. Her sinuses are really clogged and the little monkey is having trouble sucking her thumb.

It also rained all day so that didn't help my mood I am sure. Oh well, things will get better. I know I went through this in January when she was teething or was that February? Either way I thought it would never end and then we had a stint of really easy days....can't wait for those days to return. I hope they come back before I go back to work!!!

getting back on track

So we have had a rough week around here. I was sick last Sunday. Spent the whole day in bed and in the bathroom. Abbi then got sick in the middle of the week. She puked on herself during the night....she also got a cold and has more teeth coming in....Steve and I went away with Mat and Jen to Birch Run on Saturday. Jane watch Abbi for us..she did pretty well but I think she missed us a lot because she has been really sucky since we got her home. Then yesterday Steve spent the entire day in bed and then all night in the bathroom...crazy times at the Duncan household!

Oh well, this too will pass. Abbi is still as wonderful as ever. Even when she is full of snot and crying a lot...

Nice and clean 

Get me out! 

Two teeth 

smelly poo sucks

Okay so a few days ago or a week ago I started noticing that Abbi's poo had changed. It was turning into more adult type poo. It smelled more, it wasn't as firm and was very very messy. I think her body has adjusted to the solids now and this is what happens. However yesterday she started to get a diaper rash. I did all the tricks of the trade today and it has gotten worse not better. Poor little monkey doesn't seem to notice but I feel so bad for her. It is red and inflamed....Makes me sad....

On a high note - she crawled today!!!! It was awesome. I was in her room with her and had her diaper off to air out her bottom. I was reading one of the baby books and next thing I knew she was beside me. Then I moved to see her do it and she crawled to me. It was great. I called Steve in so that he could see it.

Things have been going pretty well here. She has 4 teeth now, she has been pulling herself up on lots and lots of things and walking around furniture etc...I haven't really had a melt down in a while (except when we went out for dinner last week and Steve talked about the budget the entire time). I think that for the most part I have just accepted the duties of motherhood and have gotten over the 50/50 thing. I also think that I am enjoying my time with Abbi so much more now that she is mostly a joy to be around. Plus I actually do get quite a few chances to get out of the house. Can't really complain. Actually.....I am going to Peter's for the night on Friday night. I can't wait!!!! Steve is going to have his first ever overnight alone with Abbi. I think it is important for me to do this. I need practise away from her and need to know that everything will be okay.

Time with Morrie

I started reading Tuesdays with Morrie again this week. I read it many years ago - likely 6 years ago and I must say that it has a whole new meaning. I was reading it and crying this afternoon and Steve said " no wonder you can't sleep reading sad books like that." But I feel as though getting in touch with my emotions is liberating me.

The book means so much more now that I am a parent, and of course now that mom is sick. While I could relate to the book before, now it is speaking to me as though I am sitting with Morrie as he teaches on Tuesdays. I started to underline sections and fold over pages like one does to a textbook. This is a textbook but it is likely one of the most meaningful topics for a textbook - life.

Morrie repeats over and over this mantra, "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." While this thought seems incredibly morbid. Morrie is speaking to the heart and is saying material things don't matter, when you realize you are dying, you learn what is really important and cherish every momment you have doing and feeling those important things.

I love how on page 71 Morrie describes what he will do with his best friend who is deaf when Morrie can no longer speak and Maurie (his friend) cannot hear. Morrie says, "We will hold hands, and there'll be a lot of love passing between us...we've had 35 years of friendship. You don't need speech or hearing to feel that."

I couldn't say it any better. I must say, I feel as though I am reading the right book, at the right time.

another crazy start to another crazy week

I can’t believe it is only Tuesday. This week seems like it will never end. I had a call yesterday morning from my work with some restructuring news. I found out that my boss lost her job yesterday in the restructuring and that three of my friends/ co-workers will be moving to other areas before I return to work. I was shocked and saddened by this news. Then today I spoke with someone from work who filled me in on upcoming opportunities as well as more about what is happening with my present role. It seems as though these is more than meets the eye and that my maternity replacement has been having a very tough year. She actually at one point gave her notice. Needless to say I found this all a little bit stressful. Through this however it has again reminded me to play more and worry less. This time off that I have right now is so precious and I can’t replace it. I also know how incredibly lucky we are in Canada to have this option if we want it.
The other issue that is weighing heavily on me is that we are having major house issues. We live in a beautiful Victorian house and found out that we likely need to replace a main sewer. We aren’t sure where the money will come from but it needs to be done. Sometimes the stresses of being a “grown-up” just don’t seem worth it.
At times like this reflection and journaling are so important for me. I am thankful for this outlet. I also know that while job and house stuff can be stressful, I need to use perspective. What is most important to me right now is my family and my health. Being stressed about the small stuff (or big stuff) will only hinder the situation. I need to let my stress go and release it back to the universe ( or God). I am and will be provided for.
This Thursday is my mom’s final chemo therapy treatment. I am happy for her knowing that she won’t have to go through this again unless she decides to. I am happy that in about two weeks she will be able to feel a bit better and not have the dreaded feeling of another treatment knocking her off of her feet, I am glad that before I go back to work I can spend some quality time with her and Abbi and we can do the stuff that grandma’s like to do with their grandchildren. I am glad that my dad will be able to have a chance to not take care of my mom 24/7 and he can enjoy the company of a “healthier wife.”

teeth from hell

OK, I know that we have been spoiled with our little angel of a baby but I think that teething is making up for it! She had one nap today and then decided to stay up from 12:20pm until 6:45pm. She went to bed finally just before 7pm and woke up crying about 20 min. later. I have put her down again but if she wakes again I will give her some pain relief. Poor thing> I feel bad for her but boy oh boy is it tiring when you get no break during the day. I did take Abbi to the doctor today to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. Luckily her ears are great.

I know it could be a lot worse. On a down note, friends of friends lost their one month old baby on the weekend. It died in it's crib. I don't know any details other then that the mom went to feed the baby and get it out of the crib and the baby had died. It does help you to gain perspective. I can't imagine how they feel right now.

I have to go and get caught up on school work. Four courses was a mistake I think!

I am waiting for a class to begin. It has been a long week and it isn't even hump day yet. Monday was pretty bad. I was really at my wit's end. Today was better. She had her naps again but I put her down to bed and 30 min after she woke up crying. I rubbed more teething gel on her gums and she went back down but she is a bit of a mystery.

Feel bad for her...

teething sucks

OMG! Today I am at my wit's end and the day isn't even half over...well it is close. Abbi woke up twice last night and has only had 40 minutes today total of sleep time. She is soooo over tired and grumpy I don't know what to do. I have given her advil and teething gel but nothing is helping. I feel bad for her but am so frustrated. I am glad Steve has been here part of the day to help.

School is also freaking me out. Well she is crying again. Gotta go.

stress

Tonight I am feeling much better and less stressed because I have been able to spend a good amount of time on my classes today and feel as if I am swimming and not sinking. I appreciate the essence of this course and strive to make it work for me but I also know that this term is going to be very very busy and I will get stressed out at some points. Instead of bottling up my stress and blowing up at people (my husband), I need to talk about my stress and let him know what is bothering me. That is what I need more than anything.

I am really looking forward to seeing my mom tomorrow. I am visiting her for a couple of hours. She has had her 2nd last chemo therapy treatment and is feeling pretty down but I know that seeing her grand daughter always makes her feel a little bit better. Everyone keeps saying that my daughter looks like my mom. Today I was reflecting on that and it brought tears to my eyes. Abigail is the first girl in our family ( I have 6 nephews and no nieces) and she is the apple of my parent’s eye right now. Knowing that she reminds everyone of my mom makes her even that much more special because my mom is so special to so many people. Perhaps Abbi was born to carry on my mom’s torch.

Happy Girl 

Hello! 

malibu Abbi 

dress up at Adria's 

lost in space

well I just typed a message and it is now gone. Frustrating....

I was saying that I haven't been on in a while because I have become slightly addicted to an online forum for moms at www.babywhisperer.com. It has been keeping me busy when I am procrastinating from my courses....

I am taking 4 courses this term. Nuts I know but I will appreciate it when I return to work in May. Lots happening. We toured daycare this week. Fingers crossed that we get in.

Going to ski this weekend. Can't wait for a bit of a break...will feel great to get outside. Hopefully can ski with Suz again.

I met with a counsellor about some of the issues I have been facing with my mom's illness and with dealing with motherhood etc....she said it sounds like I am dealing with changing core beliefs. She pin pointed that one of my beliefs is my ability to prove to other's that I can do everything and not to show weaknesses. I was surprised to hear her pick this out so quickly. She said adulthood challenges these beliefs and that is good. I am starting to make new core beliefs and that is what needs to happen. ....

Should go and read.