chemo

mom had her first chemo appointment today. she called when she got home and it sounded like it went really well. I think the fact that she likes the doctor - Dr. Sugimoto- it helps a lot! She was in good spirits although tired. I am sure tomorrow she will be really tired. We are going to stop by after the baby shower in Mitchell.

I will post some photos after the shower. Waiting for Abbi to wake up before her last feed. It is strange, she never sleeps this long before her last meal. Maybe she thinks that she is in bed already for good....hummm. Not sure if I should wake her or continue to let her sleep. Guess I will let her sleep. Will go and check on her though.

It is strange. I sometimes pray for these moments when she is asleep, so I can have some time alone and then I start to miss her. She is becoming so interactive and fun. Her smile lights up my life.

faith

We were talking about faith at my small group meeting on Monday night. The question asked was, does everyone have faith? Steve's answer was yes - you either have faith in a higher power or you have faith that there is no higher power.

I was thinking back to my teenage and early 20's and I used to sit on the side that said there was no higher power or I believed "something" was out there but I didn't believe they created everything etc...how far I have come in my faith.

Probably one of the best explainations of this came from Steve's class last year...you can believe there is a God and that Jesus was who he said he was, if you are right you ultimately "win" everything. If you are wrong, you won't know until you are dead and you haven't really lost anything. If there is a God and you deny him your entire life then you lose everything because you had the chance to have believe but you turned it down and now it is too late.

I like how rational this is because even for people who need proof that there is a God, the above explanation at least shows some rationality. Mind you, I don't think you should only believe in God because of rational thinking. I think that believing in God calls for some irrationality because many times believing in God means going against the grain of today's popular culture.

Tomorrow is Abbi's four month check up - yes even though she is 4.5 months old. She has to get her immunization shots and be weighed etc...Not looking forward to it but will be glad when it is over. I think I am enjoying being home a little bit more with each week. It isn't that I miss work, but I sometimes miss life before baby. You really have no idea how much things change until it happens to you. As she matures and shows more emtion it is easier and easier to love her and I can't imagine not having her. I also sometimes look at her and wonder how people can hurt children. I looked at her the other day and I couldn't help think about how Ricky Martin said on Oprah that he heard of a man who paid $10,000 to have sex (rape) a five month old baby. I looked at her and thought what a horrific thing. How could anyone do that? I also think about how I was molested as a young child and am starting to grasp how my mom felt when she found out.

heavy topics. grey day.

toes taste good 

out for a stroll 

good day

Today was a good day. I am starting to appreciate all of Abbi's cute little faces and reactions more and more. Babies are such a remarkable thing. They learn and grow so quickly. I don't feel like a typical mom that wants to catch every single minute and write it all down or take tons of photos but I am amazed at how she is "growing up."

We went to the farm for lunch today. It was nice to go for a drive and to see my parents. My mom seemed really quite good today. Chemo starts on Friday. Hopefully it doesn't wipe her out too much.

I will post a picture of our walk the other day.

help!

Today hasn't been a good day and it is only 11am! This motherhood stuff is hard...real hard. I love her to bits but I tried to get her down for a nap this morning for over an hour and she just wouldn't. I ended up feeding her and she fell asleep while eating....why is it so hard? You get things figured out and everything changes. Last night she screamed and would not go to bed. She didn't finally sleep until 10 something when she normally goes to bed at 7:30pm. I guess she could be going through another growth spurt or teething but man is it ever hard....i just don't like not knowing the answer. Is she sick or teething or hungry or just fussy.....It doesn't help that I didn't get to bed til 2am because Steve and I had a big talk.

Hopefully it will get better. Just needed to vent.

I am starting to worry that my mom isn't going to feel better. She just doesn't seem to be recovering...it seemed originally like she was getting better each day and now she just doesn't seem to be feeling any better.

Wish there was something I could do to help.

Leslie

morning

I love the morning. I find it quiet. Like it was created just for me. I guess that is one of the benefits of being a morning person. When I lived in France the mornings were so special. While everyone around me slept, I enjoyed dewy mornings with my coffee. Strolling through campus in the foggy mist. I loved sitting in my window looking out at the Mediterranean or jogging along the Grande Corniche.

Mornings are a time to experience newness and rebirth.

Jane called, we are going to go to the farm to visit mom and dad on Friday. She is worried mom isn't bouncing back like expected. I talked to mom today and she sounded down. She said she doesn't feel like eating anything and she isn't sleeping well again. Will she recover from this surgery? God only knows. And I mean that. We all hope and wish for it but we don't know and we can only ask God for his grace in this matter.

I am trying to be at peace with things either way because that is what we are supposed to do right? The one thing I can't get out of my mind right now though is how much I want Abbi to have a memory of her grandma. Since Steve's parents are already gone, she only has my parents around to be grandparents. Growing up I was so lucky to have nana and poppy living beside us on the farm. I knew the true joy of having grandparents closeby.

Of course I also want my mom around for my sake, my dad's sake and everyone else in the family but now that I have Abbi. I think about her a lot.

the day after

yesterday was thanksgiving. It was nice although my mom still wasn't feeling very well. Steve just got back from shopping. He is sooo excited about halloween and his costume. He loves to get the house all decked out and try to frighten the kids.

should run, abbi is waking up.

Auntie Jane loves to cuddle 

cool ride 

always look up 

coy 

16 weeks 

sleep

I can't believe how Abbi sleeps...it is after 8am and she is still asleep. I put her to bed last night just before 8pm....I have been in her room this morning putting clothes away but she hasn't really stirred. It is quite remarkable.

thanksgiving

Usually this is my favourite holiday. I love the fall air, the changing colours of the trees and I like the fact that we get together as family but it isn't centred around gifts. I try to be thankful everyday because I know that I am very very fortunate. I have a wonderful family, a great husband, a beautiful daughter and incredible friends. Many people are not nearly as fortunate.

Although this has been a hard couple of months with things with my mom, I must say how thankful I am to still have her here and I pray that she will be with us for many more holidays. My hope is that Abigail will be able to remember her grandma. I remember so well growing up with Nana and Poppy on the farm and how special it was having them there. Steve and I have talked a lot about my parents living with us or beside us if they sell the farm. We just haven't talked to them about it. I imagine the farm will be sold before the year is out though.

Steve, Abbi and I went for a nice walk yesterday. It was the perfect fall temperature. We put a hat on Abbi to make sure she wasn't too cold. She looked so cute. Adria and Dan came over for dinner and then we played Poker...it was great. Today we will go to church and then I think we are going to watch a movie this afternoon. Tuesday I am getting together with Bree. Should be fun

I'm back

I spent the week at my parent's helping my mom and dad get settled again. They were really happy to have me there and thankful I could help out. I also really enjoyed being there with Abbi and just spending time with them. It has been a while since I spent a few nights with them on the farm. I am feeling a bit better now. We had the meeting with the surgeon on Tuesday and he was amazing at explaining things.

My mom will be starting chemotherapy this fall and will have 6 treatments. The treatments will be every three weeks. She wants to feel a bit better first before starting the treatments. She improved a lot in the 4 days I was with her.

Abbi did really well at the farm. I wasn't sure if her sleeping through the night would continue but it did! I am really impressed and incredibly thankful that she is doing this. It may not last but I will enjoy it while I can.

This is thanksgiving weekend and I am very thankful for all that I have. I am truly blessed.

quite a day

Mom is back at the hospital. Not sure if she will be in for the night, or a couple of days but she was sick to her stomach a number of times last night and this morning and ended up coming back to London tonight...it has been quite an emotional roller coaster and I am having a tough time holding it together. On the outside I am doing okay but inside I sometimes feel like I might explode. I have moments of vulnerability but for the most part I am trying to carry on. I can tell it is affecting abbi though. She has been more cranky.

can't believe how warm, humid, it was today. I am enjoying it but it means we will likely have a late start to winter and a long winter again.

worried about mom...we all have an appointment with the specialist tomorrow to find out the news from the surgery. We aren't expecting great news...hopefully it isn't too much of a blow though...i love my mom and want her to be around for a while yet. God - what is your plan? I try to turn myself over to you and let go but it is soooo hard. I need your guidance.

beautiful day

I just went for a walk with Abbi and it is a beautiful fall morning. It is actually quite warm but there is the smell of fall in the air. I love that smell. Not sure what is going on downtown but I could hear the faint sounds of Celtic Music in the background. Abbi fell asleep while we were walking.

I wanted to get out of the house to see if Steve could get a little extra sleep this morning. Not sure what time he got in but I didn't hear him last night.

Today we are heading to church and then later this afternoon I am going to my sister's for my nephew's birthday. She is ordering in Chinese food. Can't believe it has been 10 years since I was living in France. Actually this morning reminds me of mornings in France. It was about that temperature in the south of France on Mont Leuze. Oh what a year that was...

bored

It's Saturday night and I am listening to the sound of abbi smacking on her hand. She is a little off her routine tonight. She had a crying fit for about 40 minutes earlier...not like her at all. Hopefully I'm not in for a long tiring night.

I like being a mom so far, don't get me wrong, but it is by far the most mentally, physically and emotionally demanding job I think I will ever have. I love her to bits but it is hard sometimes not to get frustrated. I guess a lot of it has to do with how independent I am and I find it hard not having any time to myself. Steve tries to give me a bit of time here and there but I think it is because I feel like I am here 24/7.

Next week I will be with my parents all week so that should be interesting. I am hoping that all goes well and that it doesn't disrupt the babe too much.

Won't be online though so I won't be updating this for a while.

headache is gone, thank goodness for chiropractors and advil. Abbi is having a good sleep although I just realized I haven't eaten lunch yet. Guess I should do something about that.

Steve works tonight - will be a late night for him...church tomorrow and then it is Torrin's birthday.

hope mom is doing okay. won't see her until Monday now.

day at farm 

big smile 

in motion 

froggie 

babe 

headache

dealing with a baby when you have a killer headache isn't the easiest thing in the world. she has started this sort of grunting when she is tired and it is hard not to laugh when she starts to do it.

mom gets out of the hospital today...at least that is what they said yesterday. i will be going to the farm on monday and staying for the week with them to help out. hopefully abbi sleeps okay out there.

steve has some time off next week which will be nice. i feel like we hardly ever see eachother anymore...gotta run, i am trying to get some pictures uploaded and am waiting to hear from my chiropractor.