Had to share..

I belong to a motherless daughter's group and one of the women shared these thoughts online. I thought they were beautiful

IN HER FOOTSTEPS

When I think of my Mom, I see her doing cartwheels in our front yard when I was a child,I see her staying up to the wee hours of the night patiently sewing pearls on a homemade gown for my first formal dance in highschool, I see her before her easel in our basement painting colorfull scenes and faces of places and people she would never visit, I see her so tenderly holding her first of three granddaughters with
pure love and wonderment on her face, I see her at the beach with her granddaughters chasing the small waves laughing at their shrieks of delight, I see her fighting to come back to us after terrible strokes with her quiet determination, I see her now frail arms holding her first great granddaughter, not wanting to let go ever, not wanting that sweet moment end, I see her carefully standing with her walker as her
oldest grandson ran to her yelling "grandma!", and yes I see that suddenly still face , never to say "Hi honey" to me again, to wink at me as my Dad says something outrageous again, to smile that speacial smile only grandmothers share in joy as we watched another generation before us.

God grant me the grace, the strength, the laughter, the kindness, the patience,and love that her face wore all those years we had together, that I may in some small way walk in her footsteps.

Are you ever ready?

Tonight I met the woman my dad has been spending a lot of time with. Her name is Linda and it was a brief meeting but I have to wonder, are you ever ready for your dad or mother to date again? In theory, I understand why he wants to have a companion to invite to dinner, the theatre, a movie etc...but my heart still has a hard time with it. I don't like seeing my dad lonely and I know he has been and it must feel awful to eat dinner alone night after night after 40+ years of eating with your wife and family. I get it, but again I ask "are you ever prepared as a child to see this happen?"

I had a doctor's app't today with a new doctor. She did a family history and the room was filled with an overwhelming silence when she recapped my history. No living grandparents, both parents with heart attacks, one deceased parent. She probed a bit more. I told her both my parents smoked their entire lives...that made her feel better. It is hard to talk about this stuff clinically without it bringing up a lot of emotions.

We have adopted a 3.5 year old boxer named Pepper. She is a great dog but we are having some sleep issues. She has slept with us the last 3 nights. Fat dog on my bed / on me does not mean a good night sleep!

I am now 18 weeks pregnant. Freaky! I have an ultrasound in a week. We are going to find out the sex. I am excited and nervous for the ultrasound...

Get Down!

How can you resist posting this? Abbi was dancing like crazy to one of her favourite tunes (Sussudio). Perhaps she is a good partner for Mr. Humpy?

Over a year

Everyone said things get easier after a year...there are no firsts after a year etc. But that isn't true. There are still going to be firsts. Not holidays and such but there will be times when my world will shake and I will want my mom. I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. A shock to say the least but also a time when I want to call or see my mom and talk to her about it. I know she knows but still it isn't the same not sharing the news face to face. Voice to voice. It also makes me sad to think that she won't be there to welcome the new baby into the family, spoil it, camp out with me at the hospital, she won't be able to stay with me after and cook or clean or just sit and be with me.

When Abbi is my age it is likely that many friends will have already lost a parent or parents because the average age of first time parents has greatly increased. I wonder how her generation will deal with that. I still really struggle with the thought of her not really knowing her grandparents except for my dad. My grandparents hold such a vivid memory for me and I try to imagine life without them....

I really wish my mom were around to see Abbi these days. I know she would get so much enjoyment out of her. I still look at her sometimes and see my mom in her eyes. It is creepy but comforting.

Birthday

This has been a tough week sort of. I have been feeling more strain at work and also today would have been mom's birthday. Why does it have to be so tough? I was going through some pictures this week for the scrapbook and I was basically able to classify photos into three categories. Dogs. Kids. Parties. I was crying but also sort of laughing because my mom certainly enjoyed her family gatherings, her dogs and her kids and grandkids.

She has now been gone for 11 months. At times it feels like eternity and other days I can't believe a year has almost past. I sometimes think back to last summer and what a blur it was. I really don't remember much about it. I remember a lot of trips to the hospital and of course the dreaded day when Steve came to work and told me mom was back in the hospital and not expected to leave the hospital. Can this really be happening? It sometimes feels fake. I wish it were. I wish I could wake up one day and she be here. I wish she could see Abbi and get a chance to really enjoy her. Mom loved this age. I know you are out there somewhere mom. I hope you know how much you are loved, missed and cherished.

Our angel

Only Child?

Steve and I have been talking a lot lately about only children and what to do about having more kids. We are considering very strongly that we may just have Abbi but we both worry it is the wrong decision. Why is there so much pressure to have more than one?

I know that parts of life will be easier by just having one. Financially things will be easier and if we want to travel, it is much easier to do it with one...why does it keep us up at night though thinking about this.

7 months

Today marks 7 months since mom passed away. I am home sick and feeling kind of down today. I think when I am feeling under the weather I miss her more. Does everyone want their mom when they are sick? Will I be 75 and still missing my mom when I feel a little sick?

I have been reading and reflecting more about stuff and it is helping me deal with the feelings rather than holding them in but it is still hard because I feel I have no one around who understands me. I feel often as if I am alone. I know others around me have gone through similar grief but I don't feel a strong connection to anyone else.

I feel like I relate to my cousin Joan and how she felt after her mom died. She seemed obsessed by it and that is sometimes how I feel. Not always but sometimes....

7 months without her seems like an eternity....miss you mom and I love you.

A time to mend

With 6 months going by since mom passed away I feel it is time to get serious about dealing with my grief. I have taken some books out of the library on a variety of subjects and want to explore ways of handling my feelings. Mostly, I need an outlet to relate to others and know that I am in a process.

I don't get a chance to talk about it as much as I feel I would like. I talk about mom quite a bit but I don't have an outlet to talk about my feelings, my fears, my hopes and my dreams.

I hope that the books will allow me some of the outlet I am looking for. I miss her so much and feel as though I am masking my feelings. When I talk to my dad it is as if she is still near me. If something happens to him then I will really be lost.