A struggle

The last month has been a struggle. I think we tried to do too much. We went to Tony's and that weekend went well but everything after that was rocky. We had a few weeks of really bad sleep, no regular naps etc... and Lucas and I were both struggling. Last week after a weekend at the chalet where no one got much sleep I decided we needed a week or so at home to get back on track. Last week we were home much of the week and things have improved. I am feeling more human again and Lucas is napping and sleeping better. Now though he won't go to bed before 9:30pm...that kind of sucks because Steve and I don't see each other.

I think I might have a bit of PPD. I met with a woman last week to talk about it and am seeking some more support. I must say I feel a lot better than last week but still feel a bit defeated. I am irritable all the time and lack fun in my life. I am working on the fun factor.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this slump soon. It is tough on all of us. It makes me miss mom even more though. It would be so great to have her here, to talk to, to hang out with, to go for lunch with etc....Mom you know I love you and miss you!

Happy birthday Mom

I was at the farm today and while there dad got two calls asking for Mrs. Gloor. They must know it is close to her birthday. It was hard on dad taking these calls. You could see him tense up a bit and get more sad because he was reminded yet again that mom isn't coming home. Dad told me today that he still says goodnight and goodmorning to mom every day. He said he feels empty without her. God it is hard to see your dad so lost and sad. I love him so much and while I understand missing her and wanting her back, I wish he didn't feel as empty as he does. It isn't something I can fix which makes it more difficult. I gave him a big hug though and cried with him. What more can I do?

Lucas is almost 3 months. I can barely believe it. He has started sleeping through the night most nights. He is a great baby. Very content and happy if he gets what he wants/needs.

8 weeks

Lucas is 8 weeks old and for the last week I feel like I have been coming out of newborn coma. He is starting to sleep much better during the nights (days are another story) and I feel like I can enjoy my days a bit.

Having 2 is a challenge but mentally I think I am coping better this time. I already have no time for myself and am used to that so I don't have to go through that adjustment. I do have meltdowns though because some days all I seem to do is change diapers, manage attitudes, worry about sleeping and breastfeed...Some days I can slip into the Zen of motherhood. Other days I get agitated by the smallest thing. Normal? I think so...

Zen Motherhood is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot. It is my version of "go with the flow" and try not to be flapable. Not always easy when you are stubborn and hotheaded like me but it is my goal each day to slip into my Zen state.

I miss my mom a lot. Abbi just had her 3rd birthday and I so wish my mom was here to see it. She is such a cutie and my mom would have adored her. They would have enjoyed many special days together I am sure. Mom- I know you are out there and please know how much we miss you and love you.

Birth Story - Lucas Haden

What a birth story....

Tuesday morning at 1am I started feeling some contractions. Had trouble sleeping and wanted to see if they were regular. By 4:30am I decided to wake Steve to tell him. We hung out in bed for a bit. At around 7am I called Sam (midwife) and Leanne (doula) to let them know that I was in early labour. Nothing was moving quickly.

11:30am Sam arrived to check me. I was only 2cm dialated but my cervix was soft and almost effaced and in a good position. My sister took Abbi to lunch at McDonalds and Steve and I went for a walk and then rested a bit.

At 5:45pm Sam came back and checked me. Very little progress had been made all afternoon. I took gravol and Tylenol to try and relax to rest. My heartrate was a bit high. I had a soak in the tub....labour kept stalling....

Around 8:30 or 9pm my temperature was elevated, my heart rate was high and so was the baby's. Sam thought it would be a good idea to go to the hospital. I was about 5cm and dehydrated. Sam wanted me to get an IV at the hospital.

We arrived at St. Joe's....I was the ONLY one there! We checked in and got the IV set up. I spent some more time in the tub and on the toilet but again contractions weren't 100% consistent. I tried some nitrous gas and I made it to about 7-8cm and my water broke. We thought things would move quickly but they didn't. We started talking about "failure to progress" because this was my 2nd baby. Around 2:30am on Wed Sam checked me and I was actually going backwards. My cervix was less thin than the last check. My body was starting to rebel ...

We started talking about other options. I said that I would rather have an epidural than a c-section. The anesthesiologist was called and he began to prep for the epidural. By this point I had fetal monitors on and was not able to move around. Very different from my first birth!

Getting the epidural was tough considering I couldn't MOVE! Once the epidural was in I was fully dialated with 15 -20 min. My body needed an extra push. Then things got a bit scary because I couldn't swallow properly. The epidural was too high and they had to turn it down. Luckily turning it down helped and I was swallowing fine soon. They installed a clip on Lucas to monitor his heart rate internally because the fetal monitor wasn't effective. It kept getting my heart rate instead of his. Pushing with an epidural was extremely tough. I didn't enjoy it at all because I could barely feel the need to push. Luckily I had an amazing team who helped me through. It took quite a while to push him out because the epidural slowed things down and there was concern that I might need forceps BUT finally I was able to see his head and the motivation that gave me was intense.

Steve was taking a break at this point because he was so emotionally spent and worried about me/and the baby....we were worried he was going to miss the birth. We paged him over the hospital paging system and he made it in time to see Lucas born. Keep in mind that the ultrasound radiologist said that the baby was about 90% girl....when Lucas arrived we were all somewhat surprised that Lucas was in fact a boy! He confirmed my intution and my dreams!

I had some tearing (same spots as with Abbi) but considering what we had both been through he was doing great. He was 8lbs 3oz at birth and 21.5 inches long. Huge for my family! He started feeding within 30 min and was very awake.

I really thought that my first birth prepared me for anything (since it was 24 hours of full back labour) but Lucas taught me to expect the unexpected!

I am just relieved and happy that we are healthy and am so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends and an amazing team at the birth who helped keep me grounded.

Could it be?

I haven't written forever...I can't believe I am 10 days away from my due date. It seems surreal to think that there is going to be another baby arriving soon. I have been enjoying my days off with Abbi so much, I will be sad to see our time together come to an end. It does feel like I am bringing home an intruder. I know people talk about feeling that way and it is true...

This pregnancy has been quite smooth. I can't complain about it at all. Life on the other hand has been a bit rocky. We have been trying to sort out finances, a car, Steve's school stuff and more. It seems as though most things have been worked out. It was a long hard winter though and this took its toll on all of us. Especially Steve. He is nearly done his final exam and then school is done for 4 months. A break is needed for sure.

I can't believe that mom will miss the birth of her 8th grandchild....It seems so strange not to have her here. Even though it has been over 1.5 years, it sometimes still feels like she is on a long holiday.