Update

I can't believe I haven't written since September. I am returning to work in 6 weeks! I had a tough fall and was diagnosed with PPD just days after my last post. It was a roller coaster ride until deciding to try some medication. Things are a lot better now.

Lucas is crawling like crazy. He is a charming kid.

A struggle

The last month has been a struggle. I think we tried to do too much. We went to Tony's and that weekend went well but everything after that was rocky. We had a few weeks of really bad sleep, no regular naps etc... and Lucas and I were both struggling. Last week after a weekend at the chalet where no one got much sleep I decided we needed a week or so at home to get back on track. Last week we were home much of the week and things have improved. I am feeling more human again and Lucas is napping and sleeping better. Now though he won't go to bed before 9:30pm...that kind of sucks because Steve and I don't see each other.

I think I might have a bit of PPD. I met with a woman last week to talk about it and am seeking some more support. I must say I feel a lot better than last week but still feel a bit defeated. I am irritable all the time and lack fun in my life. I am working on the fun factor.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this slump soon. It is tough on all of us. It makes me miss mom even more though. It would be so great to have her here, to talk to, to hang out with, to go for lunch with etc....Mom you know I love you and miss you!

Happy birthday Mom

I was at the farm today and while there dad got two calls asking for Mrs. Gloor. They must know it is close to her birthday. It was hard on dad taking these calls. You could see him tense up a bit and get more sad because he was reminded yet again that mom isn't coming home. Dad told me today that he still says goodnight and goodmorning to mom every day. He said he feels empty without her. God it is hard to see your dad so lost and sad. I love him so much and while I understand missing her and wanting her back, I wish he didn't feel as empty as he does. It isn't something I can fix which makes it more difficult. I gave him a big hug though and cried with him. What more can I do?

Lucas is almost 3 months. I can barely believe it. He has started sleeping through the night most nights. He is a great baby. Very content and happy if he gets what he wants/needs.

8 weeks

Lucas is 8 weeks old and for the last week I feel like I have been coming out of newborn coma. He is starting to sleep much better during the nights (days are another story) and I feel like I can enjoy my days a bit.

Having 2 is a challenge but mentally I think I am coping better this time. I already have no time for myself and am used to that so I don't have to go through that adjustment. I do have meltdowns though because some days all I seem to do is change diapers, manage attitudes, worry about sleeping and breastfeed...Some days I can slip into the Zen of motherhood. Other days I get agitated by the smallest thing. Normal? I think so...

Zen Motherhood is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot. It is my version of "go with the flow" and try not to be flapable. Not always easy when you are stubborn and hotheaded like me but it is my goal each day to slip into my Zen state.

I miss my mom a lot. Abbi just had her 3rd birthday and I so wish my mom was here to see it. She is such a cutie and my mom would have adored her. They would have enjoyed many special days together I am sure. Mom- I know you are out there and please know how much we miss you and love you.

Birth Story - Lucas Haden

What a birth story....

Tuesday morning at 1am I started feeling some contractions. Had trouble sleeping and wanted to see if they were regular. By 4:30am I decided to wake Steve to tell him. We hung out in bed for a bit. At around 7am I called Sam (midwife) and Leanne (doula) to let them know that I was in early labour. Nothing was moving quickly.

11:30am Sam arrived to check me. I was only 2cm dialated but my cervix was soft and almost effaced and in a good position. My sister took Abbi to lunch at McDonalds and Steve and I went for a walk and then rested a bit.

At 5:45pm Sam came back and checked me. Very little progress had been made all afternoon. I took gravol and Tylenol to try and relax to rest. My heartrate was a bit high. I had a soak in the tub....labour kept stalling....

Around 8:30 or 9pm my temperature was elevated, my heart rate was high and so was the baby's. Sam thought it would be a good idea to go to the hospital. I was about 5cm and dehydrated. Sam wanted me to get an IV at the hospital.

We arrived at St. Joe's....I was the ONLY one there! We checked in and got the IV set up. I spent some more time in the tub and on the toilet but again contractions weren't 100% consistent. I tried some nitrous gas and I made it to about 7-8cm and my water broke. We thought things would move quickly but they didn't. We started talking about "failure to progress" because this was my 2nd baby. Around 2:30am on Wed Sam checked me and I was actually going backwards. My cervix was less thin than the last check. My body was starting to rebel ...

We started talking about other options. I said that I would rather have an epidural than a c-section. The anesthesiologist was called and he began to prep for the epidural. By this point I had fetal monitors on and was not able to move around. Very different from my first birth!

Getting the epidural was tough considering I couldn't MOVE! Once the epidural was in I was fully dialated with 15 -20 min. My body needed an extra push. Then things got a bit scary because I couldn't swallow properly. The epidural was too high and they had to turn it down. Luckily turning it down helped and I was swallowing fine soon. They installed a clip on Lucas to monitor his heart rate internally because the fetal monitor wasn't effective. It kept getting my heart rate instead of his. Pushing with an epidural was extremely tough. I didn't enjoy it at all because I could barely feel the need to push. Luckily I had an amazing team who helped me through. It took quite a while to push him out because the epidural slowed things down and there was concern that I might need forceps BUT finally I was able to see his head and the motivation that gave me was intense.

Steve was taking a break at this point because he was so emotionally spent and worried about me/and the baby....we were worried he was going to miss the birth. We paged him over the hospital paging system and he made it in time to see Lucas born. Keep in mind that the ultrasound radiologist said that the baby was about 90% girl....when Lucas arrived we were all somewhat surprised that Lucas was in fact a boy! He confirmed my intution and my dreams!

I had some tearing (same spots as with Abbi) but considering what we had both been through he was doing great. He was 8lbs 3oz at birth and 21.5 inches long. Huge for my family! He started feeding within 30 min and was very awake.

I really thought that my first birth prepared me for anything (since it was 24 hours of full back labour) but Lucas taught me to expect the unexpected!

I am just relieved and happy that we are healthy and am so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends and an amazing team at the birth who helped keep me grounded.

Could it be?

I haven't written forever...I can't believe I am 10 days away from my due date. It seems surreal to think that there is going to be another baby arriving soon. I have been enjoying my days off with Abbi so much, I will be sad to see our time together come to an end. It does feel like I am bringing home an intruder. I know people talk about feeling that way and it is true...

This pregnancy has been quite smooth. I can't complain about it at all. Life on the other hand has been a bit rocky. We have been trying to sort out finances, a car, Steve's school stuff and more. It seems as though most things have been worked out. It was a long hard winter though and this took its toll on all of us. Especially Steve. He is nearly done his final exam and then school is done for 4 months. A break is needed for sure.

I can't believe that mom will miss the birth of her 8th grandchild....It seems so strange not to have her here. Even though it has been over 1.5 years, it sometimes still feels like she is on a long holiday.

Had to share..

I belong to a motherless daughter's group and one of the women shared these thoughts online. I thought they were beautiful

IN HER FOOTSTEPS

When I think of my Mom, I see her doing cartwheels in our front yard when I was a child,I see her staying up to the wee hours of the night patiently sewing pearls on a homemade gown for my first formal dance in highschool, I see her before her easel in our basement painting colorfull scenes and faces of places and people she would never visit, I see her so tenderly holding her first of three granddaughters with
pure love and wonderment on her face, I see her at the beach with her granddaughters chasing the small waves laughing at their shrieks of delight, I see her fighting to come back to us after terrible strokes with her quiet determination, I see her now frail arms holding her first great granddaughter, not wanting to let go ever, not wanting that sweet moment end, I see her carefully standing with her walker as her
oldest grandson ran to her yelling "grandma!", and yes I see that suddenly still face , never to say "Hi honey" to me again, to wink at me as my Dad says something outrageous again, to smile that speacial smile only grandmothers share in joy as we watched another generation before us.

God grant me the grace, the strength, the laughter, the kindness, the patience,and love that her face wore all those years we had together, that I may in some small way walk in her footsteps.

Are you ever ready?

Tonight I met the woman my dad has been spending a lot of time with. Her name is Linda and it was a brief meeting but I have to wonder, are you ever ready for your dad or mother to date again? In theory, I understand why he wants to have a companion to invite to dinner, the theatre, a movie etc...but my heart still has a hard time with it. I don't like seeing my dad lonely and I know he has been and it must feel awful to eat dinner alone night after night after 40+ years of eating with your wife and family. I get it, but again I ask "are you ever prepared as a child to see this happen?"

I had a doctor's app't today with a new doctor. She did a family history and the room was filled with an overwhelming silence when she recapped my history. No living grandparents, both parents with heart attacks, one deceased parent. She probed a bit more. I told her both my parents smoked their entire lives...that made her feel better. It is hard to talk about this stuff clinically without it bringing up a lot of emotions.

We have adopted a 3.5 year old boxer named Pepper. She is a great dog but we are having some sleep issues. She has slept with us the last 3 nights. Fat dog on my bed / on me does not mean a good night sleep!

I am now 18 weeks pregnant. Freaky! I have an ultrasound in a week. We are going to find out the sex. I am excited and nervous for the ultrasound...

Get Down!

How can you resist posting this? Abbi was dancing like crazy to one of her favourite tunes (Sussudio). Perhaps she is a good partner for Mr. Humpy?

Over a year

Everyone said things get easier after a year...there are no firsts after a year etc. But that isn't true. There are still going to be firsts. Not holidays and such but there will be times when my world will shake and I will want my mom. I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. A shock to say the least but also a time when I want to call or see my mom and talk to her about it. I know she knows but still it isn't the same not sharing the news face to face. Voice to voice. It also makes me sad to think that she won't be there to welcome the new baby into the family, spoil it, camp out with me at the hospital, she won't be able to stay with me after and cook or clean or just sit and be with me.

When Abbi is my age it is likely that many friends will have already lost a parent or parents because the average age of first time parents has greatly increased. I wonder how her generation will deal with that. I still really struggle with the thought of her not really knowing her grandparents except for my dad. My grandparents hold such a vivid memory for me and I try to imagine life without them....

I really wish my mom were around to see Abbi these days. I know she would get so much enjoyment out of her. I still look at her sometimes and see my mom in her eyes. It is creepy but comforting.

Birthday

This has been a tough week sort of. I have been feeling more strain at work and also today would have been mom's birthday. Why does it have to be so tough? I was going through some pictures this week for the scrapbook and I was basically able to classify photos into three categories. Dogs. Kids. Parties. I was crying but also sort of laughing because my mom certainly enjoyed her family gatherings, her dogs and her kids and grandkids.

She has now been gone for 11 months. At times it feels like eternity and other days I can't believe a year has almost past. I sometimes think back to last summer and what a blur it was. I really don't remember much about it. I remember a lot of trips to the hospital and of course the dreaded day when Steve came to work and told me mom was back in the hospital and not expected to leave the hospital. Can this really be happening? It sometimes feels fake. I wish it were. I wish I could wake up one day and she be here. I wish she could see Abbi and get a chance to really enjoy her. Mom loved this age. I know you are out there somewhere mom. I hope you know how much you are loved, missed and cherished.

Our angel

Only Child?

Steve and I have been talking a lot lately about only children and what to do about having more kids. We are considering very strongly that we may just have Abbi but we both worry it is the wrong decision. Why is there so much pressure to have more than one?

I know that parts of life will be easier by just having one. Financially things will be easier and if we want to travel, it is much easier to do it with one...why does it keep us up at night though thinking about this.

7 months

Today marks 7 months since mom passed away. I am home sick and feeling kind of down today. I think when I am feeling under the weather I miss her more. Does everyone want their mom when they are sick? Will I be 75 and still missing my mom when I feel a little sick?

I have been reading and reflecting more about stuff and it is helping me deal with the feelings rather than holding them in but it is still hard because I feel I have no one around who understands me. I feel often as if I am alone. I know others around me have gone through similar grief but I don't feel a strong connection to anyone else.

I feel like I relate to my cousin Joan and how she felt after her mom died. She seemed obsessed by it and that is sometimes how I feel. Not always but sometimes....

7 months without her seems like an eternity....miss you mom and I love you.

A time to mend

With 6 months going by since mom passed away I feel it is time to get serious about dealing with my grief. I have taken some books out of the library on a variety of subjects and want to explore ways of handling my feelings. Mostly, I need an outlet to relate to others and know that I am in a process.

I don't get a chance to talk about it as much as I feel I would like. I talk about mom quite a bit but I don't have an outlet to talk about my feelings, my fears, my hopes and my dreams.

I hope that the books will allow me some of the outlet I am looking for. I miss her so much and feel as though I am masking my feelings. When I talk to my dad it is as if she is still near me. If something happens to him then I will really be lost.

Christmas photos

Lonely day

I am having a hard day today...I am really missing mom today. I think it has something to do with the start of a New Year without her and the thought of not being able to call and wish her a Happy New Year. I am also thinking about Dad a lot today and how lonely he must feel. I have visions of New Year's eve's gone by with my mom in her nightgown dancing with my dad at midnight. I loved those times together as a family. I wish I could go back to those days again and sit and watch them dance and laugh together.

Christmas was pretty good. Different but good. It was great to have everyone together and to be at the farm. Abbi was adorable and loved having everyone around and paying attention to her. She has been a doll this entire holiday.

Tonight Steve and I are going to have a quiet night. Sip the champange that Greg and Chantal gave us when Abbi was born. We figure it is time. I look forward to just curling up with him and watching a movie.

Trying to make it a "Happy New Year"

Is it really December?

I can't believe that we are almost through the first week of December. I am not feeling any sort of Christmas type spirit yet. I don't want to go Christmas shopping and don't even want to hang our decorations. Maybe some of this has to do with knowing this is our first year without mom - I don't know.

Erin, from church, lost her mom on Saturday. I know there were different circumstances with her mom but I still feel bad for her. It is never easy to lose a parent, no matter what your relationship is with them. The funeral is tomorrow at 11. Jane is coming to watch Abbi for us.

There is a movie opening this weekend called Holiday and I really want to go and see it with the girls. I hope that I can convince Adria and Christine to see it with me on Saturday or Sunday.
Should run....

A little bit of heaven

It is 6:45am and I am the only one up. I went to bed early last night expecting Abbi to get up like she has been but low and behold, she made it through the night last night. I woke up at 4:12 thinking, WHY haven't I heard her. It took some time to go back to sleep but then I was awake at 6am and couldn't fall back asleep.

I like being the only one up in the mornings. When it happens (not often), it gives me time to think. It is funny because it seems forever since Abbi slept through the night but then when it happens again you can't help but think if something is wrong. I have to remind myself that she is in God's hands.

I was thinking of my mom while lying in bed. I was thinking of the last weekend we had with her and how we all got to be with her at her bedside. I was thinking how when Adria and Amy came to visit she asked them to take care of me. Just typing that makes me cry. Knowing that you are going to die and not being able to control or have influence on your family anymore must be heartbreaking. I am sure that mom is watching over us somehow but still. Those words just really affected me.

At the chalet her coverup was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Abbi wanted to play with it. Dad said it was okay to let her. She had fun wrapping it around her neck and dragging it around. Dad picked it up and smelled it and said it still smelled like mom. I caught myself a few times last weekend smelling it for comfort. I miss her smell.

Time off

Well today I am heading back to work after 5 days off. It has felt really good to spend time at home and get some extra cuddles and stuff. Abbi is at a really cute stage right now and she just makes me laugh. However since the time change, we have been experiencing early wakings and she also has one new tooth and perhaps 1-3 more on the way....she has been waking up at 5, 5:30 or 6am. She used to sleep until 7:30. I knew the late wakings wouldn't last but it sure spoils you. I think that we maybe should try an earlier bedtime too. I have a feeling that she is getting overtired by bedtime.

I really looked forward to going to the chalet but doing things like that just remind me that now that we have a child, the simple things that I loved before are no longer the same. Not to say they are worse, just different. I can't just relax and chill out at the chalet. I can't sleep in, I can't just hop in the car and go shopping without wondering how it will affect Abbi's sleep etc...Life changes more than you ever know once children are thrown in the mix.