Over a year

Everyone said things get easier after a year...there are no firsts after a year etc. But that isn't true. There are still going to be firsts. Not holidays and such but there will be times when my world will shake and I will want my mom. I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. A shock to say the least but also a time when I want to call or see my mom and talk to her about it. I know she knows but still it isn't the same not sharing the news face to face. Voice to voice. It also makes me sad to think that she won't be there to welcome the new baby into the family, spoil it, camp out with me at the hospital, she won't be able to stay with me after and cook or clean or just sit and be with me.

When Abbi is my age it is likely that many friends will have already lost a parent or parents because the average age of first time parents has greatly increased. I wonder how her generation will deal with that. I still really struggle with the thought of her not really knowing her grandparents except for my dad. My grandparents hold such a vivid memory for me and I try to imagine life without them....

I really wish my mom were around to see Abbi these days. I know she would get so much enjoyment out of her. I still look at her sometimes and see my mom in her eyes. It is creepy but comforting.

Birthday

This has been a tough week sort of. I have been feeling more strain at work and also today would have been mom's birthday. Why does it have to be so tough? I was going through some pictures this week for the scrapbook and I was basically able to classify photos into three categories. Dogs. Kids. Parties. I was crying but also sort of laughing because my mom certainly enjoyed her family gatherings, her dogs and her kids and grandkids.

She has now been gone for 11 months. At times it feels like eternity and other days I can't believe a year has almost past. I sometimes think back to last summer and what a blur it was. I really don't remember much about it. I remember a lot of trips to the hospital and of course the dreaded day when Steve came to work and told me mom was back in the hospital and not expected to leave the hospital. Can this really be happening? It sometimes feels fake. I wish it were. I wish I could wake up one day and she be here. I wish she could see Abbi and get a chance to really enjoy her. Mom loved this age. I know you are out there somewhere mom. I hope you know how much you are loved, missed and cherished.

Our angel

Only Child?

Steve and I have been talking a lot lately about only children and what to do about having more kids. We are considering very strongly that we may just have Abbi but we both worry it is the wrong decision. Why is there so much pressure to have more than one?

I know that parts of life will be easier by just having one. Financially things will be easier and if we want to travel, it is much easier to do it with one...why does it keep us up at night though thinking about this.

7 months

Today marks 7 months since mom passed away. I am home sick and feeling kind of down today. I think when I am feeling under the weather I miss her more. Does everyone want their mom when they are sick? Will I be 75 and still missing my mom when I feel a little sick?

I have been reading and reflecting more about stuff and it is helping me deal with the feelings rather than holding them in but it is still hard because I feel I have no one around who understands me. I feel often as if I am alone. I know others around me have gone through similar grief but I don't feel a strong connection to anyone else.

I feel like I relate to my cousin Joan and how she felt after her mom died. She seemed obsessed by it and that is sometimes how I feel. Not always but sometimes....

7 months without her seems like an eternity....miss you mom and I love you.

A time to mend

With 6 months going by since mom passed away I feel it is time to get serious about dealing with my grief. I have taken some books out of the library on a variety of subjects and want to explore ways of handling my feelings. Mostly, I need an outlet to relate to others and know that I am in a process.

I don't get a chance to talk about it as much as I feel I would like. I talk about mom quite a bit but I don't have an outlet to talk about my feelings, my fears, my hopes and my dreams.

I hope that the books will allow me some of the outlet I am looking for. I miss her so much and feel as though I am masking my feelings. When I talk to my dad it is as if she is still near me. If something happens to him then I will really be lost.

Christmas photos

Lonely day

I am having a hard day today...I am really missing mom today. I think it has something to do with the start of a New Year without her and the thought of not being able to call and wish her a Happy New Year. I am also thinking about Dad a lot today and how lonely he must feel. I have visions of New Year's eve's gone by with my mom in her nightgown dancing with my dad at midnight. I loved those times together as a family. I wish I could go back to those days again and sit and watch them dance and laugh together.

Christmas was pretty good. Different but good. It was great to have everyone together and to be at the farm. Abbi was adorable and loved having everyone around and paying attention to her. She has been a doll this entire holiday.

Tonight Steve and I are going to have a quiet night. Sip the champange that Greg and Chantal gave us when Abbi was born. We figure it is time. I look forward to just curling up with him and watching a movie.

Trying to make it a "Happy New Year"

Is it really December?

I can't believe that we are almost through the first week of December. I am not feeling any sort of Christmas type spirit yet. I don't want to go Christmas shopping and don't even want to hang our decorations. Maybe some of this has to do with knowing this is our first year without mom - I don't know.

Erin, from church, lost her mom on Saturday. I know there were different circumstances with her mom but I still feel bad for her. It is never easy to lose a parent, no matter what your relationship is with them. The funeral is tomorrow at 11. Jane is coming to watch Abbi for us.

There is a movie opening this weekend called Holiday and I really want to go and see it with the girls. I hope that I can convince Adria and Christine to see it with me on Saturday or Sunday.
Should run....

A little bit of heaven

It is 6:45am and I am the only one up. I went to bed early last night expecting Abbi to get up like she has been but low and behold, she made it through the night last night. I woke up at 4:12 thinking, WHY haven't I heard her. It took some time to go back to sleep but then I was awake at 6am and couldn't fall back asleep.

I like being the only one up in the mornings. When it happens (not often), it gives me time to think. It is funny because it seems forever since Abbi slept through the night but then when it happens again you can't help but think if something is wrong. I have to remind myself that she is in God's hands.

I was thinking of my mom while lying in bed. I was thinking of the last weekend we had with her and how we all got to be with her at her bedside. I was thinking how when Adria and Amy came to visit she asked them to take care of me. Just typing that makes me cry. Knowing that you are going to die and not being able to control or have influence on your family anymore must be heartbreaking. I am sure that mom is watching over us somehow but still. Those words just really affected me.

At the chalet her coverup was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Abbi wanted to play with it. Dad said it was okay to let her. She had fun wrapping it around her neck and dragging it around. Dad picked it up and smelled it and said it still smelled like mom. I caught myself a few times last weekend smelling it for comfort. I miss her smell.

Time off

Well today I am heading back to work after 5 days off. It has felt really good to spend time at home and get some extra cuddles and stuff. Abbi is at a really cute stage right now and she just makes me laugh. However since the time change, we have been experiencing early wakings and she also has one new tooth and perhaps 1-3 more on the way....she has been waking up at 5, 5:30 or 6am. She used to sleep until 7:30. I knew the late wakings wouldn't last but it sure spoils you. I think that we maybe should try an earlier bedtime too. I have a feeling that she is getting overtired by bedtime.

I really looked forward to going to the chalet but doing things like that just remind me that now that we have a child, the simple things that I loved before are no longer the same. Not to say they are worse, just different. I can't just relax and chill out at the chalet. I can't sleep in, I can't just hop in the car and go shopping without wondering how it will affect Abbi's sleep etc...Life changes more than you ever know once children are thrown in the mix.

Emotional day

So today has been an emotional one...I think partly because it is Sunday and partly because Steve works on Sunday afternoon's. I am alone for a good part of the afternoon and evening with Abbi; leaving me time to think. Something I don't have a lot of time for right now. Tonight I kept looking at Abbi and thinking how much I loved her. I was thinking how difficult it must be to say goodbye to your children because you love them soooo much! I sometimes look into Abbi's eyes and it is as if I am my mom, looking into my eyes. It is such an uncanny experience.

I was also thinking tonight that I loved hearing all the stories about mom when she was in the hospital. Stories about how she used to get Heather to rub her back or spell letters on her back etc... because she loved to get her back rubbed. Or how she and dad set up a booth at the Kitchener Farmer's market when Greg and Jane were little and they sold donuts to make some extra money....I miss her so much! I wish I could call and just hear her voice.

This weekend I have started to see a shift again in Abbi's actions and I keep thinking how mom would so love to play with her right now. She is such a character and she is really exploring a lot right now. My mom loved this age.

Thanksgiving

So the first family holiday without my mom has passed...it was hard but not as hard as expected. Do I miss her? Everyday without a doubt but I have a feeling that my faith changes how I feel about her passing. Dad shed a few tears at dinner on Sunday and I think he was feeling kind of sad but overall, it was just nice to have the family together. I know intellectually that she didn't want to live if she was going to be in pain and not be able to enjoy life. I saw her suffer for the last year and she wasn't able to be the person that she wanted to be. Knowing that she isn't in pain any longer helps to lessen the saddness I feel.

The hardest thing though is knowing that Abbi won't ever get to do trips with her and my dad. She won't get to stay at grandma and grandpa's house for vacation...she won't get to know what it is like to have grandparents. Are there any surrogate grandparents out there?

It didn't help that all of us were sick with colds this weekend. Steve didn't really suffer too badly but Abbi and I were both pretty sick. Monday was the worst for me. I actually went to bed at 7:30pm Monday night and got lots of sleep. It was badly needed because Sunday night, Abbi was up basically the whole night.

A letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

Yesterday you passed away. When you took your last breath, we were all by your side. I think you know that. Joe actually found some lavender in the garden of the hospital and brought it in. We put some on your pillow and the scent seemed to calm you down enough to take that important last breath. The last day you were asking to go home. I believe that you are home now.

Please know that I will be well taken care of. You have provided me with an incredible family (you couldn't have picked a better dad/husband), you have taught me how to be a friend (and I have incredible friends because of it) and most importantly you have taught me to be a good mom and wife.

While I didn't want you to go just yet, I know that this is better for you. I am so happy that you got to meet your granddaughter and princess. I can't wait to tell her stories about you. She will know you even if she won't remember you. You will always be an important person to her.

I know that you are just a conversation away and will continue to chat with you just like you were here.

I love you always, all ways.
Leslie

Does it ever get easier?

I don't mean to complain but I am going to. Motherhood sucks right now! Poor Abbi has been sick all weekend. It started Friday afternoon at the farm and got worse. We spent 4 hours in emerg on Friday night because she was throwing up...Saturday she could not be put down and I carried her around and rocked her the entire day. It was nice when she fell asleep on me but it was exhausting to say the least. Well today she got the runs and now diaper rash has also set in. I swear I am at my wit's end.

To top all of this off, Thursday we found out that we are looking at only having about 6 months left with my mom. I honestly don't know how to live without her. She is such a great friend and mentor. I love her so much and can't believe that our time is getting so limited.

Two good things though have recently happened- I got a new job and a good raise and I am done my final course for my masters on Tuesday - yep in two days. It has been hell to get through this course but the end is in sight.

I wanted to post and say that Abbi is walking. She started on Sunday (the 9th- I think). At first she would only really do it in her room but now she tries it everywhere. She has this kind of drunk strut when she walks that makes me laugh. It is so cool to see how quickly she learns. She is carrying things around and trying to carry 3 toys at the same time etc...too cute.

On a different note, my mom is sick and back in the hospital. I had really hoped that this wouldn't be the case but it seems as though chemo wasn't effective for her. We are in a bit of a waiting game right now but it doesn't look good. It is so hard to think about all of the what if's. I don't even know what to write or type because nothing seems to be what I really feel.

Praying for my mom.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Well the big day is here. I honestly cannot believe that it has been a year. In fact it will officially be a year in 38 minutes. Abbi was born at 3:36pm.

I don't think one can understand the feelings of being a mom until you are a mom. It is filled with highs and lows, yet love remains constant.