Time with Morrie

I started reading Tuesdays with Morrie again this week. I read it many years ago - likely 6 years ago and I must say that it has a whole new meaning. I was reading it and crying this afternoon and Steve said " no wonder you can't sleep reading sad books like that." But I feel as though getting in touch with my emotions is liberating me.

The book means so much more now that I am a parent, and of course now that mom is sick. While I could relate to the book before, now it is speaking to me as though I am sitting with Morrie as he teaches on Tuesdays. I started to underline sections and fold over pages like one does to a textbook. This is a textbook but it is likely one of the most meaningful topics for a textbook - life.

Morrie repeats over and over this mantra, "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." While this thought seems incredibly morbid. Morrie is speaking to the heart and is saying material things don't matter, when you realize you are dying, you learn what is really important and cherish every momment you have doing and feeling those important things.

I love how on page 71 Morrie describes what he will do with his best friend who is deaf when Morrie can no longer speak and Maurie (his friend) cannot hear. Morrie says, "We will hold hands, and there'll be a lot of love passing between us...we've had 35 years of friendship. You don't need speech or hearing to feel that."

I couldn't say it any better. I must say, I feel as though I am reading the right book, at the right time.

another crazy start to another crazy week

I can’t believe it is only Tuesday. This week seems like it will never end. I had a call yesterday morning from my work with some restructuring news. I found out that my boss lost her job yesterday in the restructuring and that three of my friends/ co-workers will be moving to other areas before I return to work. I was shocked and saddened by this news. Then today I spoke with someone from work who filled me in on upcoming opportunities as well as more about what is happening with my present role. It seems as though these is more than meets the eye and that my maternity replacement has been having a very tough year. She actually at one point gave her notice. Needless to say I found this all a little bit stressful. Through this however it has again reminded me to play more and worry less. This time off that I have right now is so precious and I can’t replace it. I also know how incredibly lucky we are in Canada to have this option if we want it.
The other issue that is weighing heavily on me is that we are having major house issues. We live in a beautiful Victorian house and found out that we likely need to replace a main sewer. We aren’t sure where the money will come from but it needs to be done. Sometimes the stresses of being a “grown-up” just don’t seem worth it.
At times like this reflection and journaling are so important for me. I am thankful for this outlet. I also know that while job and house stuff can be stressful, I need to use perspective. What is most important to me right now is my family and my health. Being stressed about the small stuff (or big stuff) will only hinder the situation. I need to let my stress go and release it back to the universe ( or God). I am and will be provided for.
This Thursday is my mom’s final chemo therapy treatment. I am happy for her knowing that she won’t have to go through this again unless she decides to. I am happy that in about two weeks she will be able to feel a bit better and not have the dreaded feeling of another treatment knocking her off of her feet, I am glad that before I go back to work I can spend some quality time with her and Abbi and we can do the stuff that grandma’s like to do with their grandchildren. I am glad that my dad will be able to have a chance to not take care of my mom 24/7 and he can enjoy the company of a “healthier wife.”

teeth from hell

OK, I know that we have been spoiled with our little angel of a baby but I think that teething is making up for it! She had one nap today and then decided to stay up from 12:20pm until 6:45pm. She went to bed finally just before 7pm and woke up crying about 20 min. later. I have put her down again but if she wakes again I will give her some pain relief. Poor thing> I feel bad for her but boy oh boy is it tiring when you get no break during the day. I did take Abbi to the doctor today to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. Luckily her ears are great.

I know it could be a lot worse. On a down note, friends of friends lost their one month old baby on the weekend. It died in it's crib. I don't know any details other then that the mom went to feed the baby and get it out of the crib and the baby had died. It does help you to gain perspective. I can't imagine how they feel right now.

I have to go and get caught up on school work. Four courses was a mistake I think!

I am waiting for a class to begin. It has been a long week and it isn't even hump day yet. Monday was pretty bad. I was really at my wit's end. Today was better. She had her naps again but I put her down to bed and 30 min after she woke up crying. I rubbed more teething gel on her gums and she went back down but she is a bit of a mystery.

Feel bad for her...

teething sucks

OMG! Today I am at my wit's end and the day isn't even half over...well it is close. Abbi woke up twice last night and has only had 40 minutes today total of sleep time. She is soooo over tired and grumpy I don't know what to do. I have given her advil and teething gel but nothing is helping. I feel bad for her but am so frustrated. I am glad Steve has been here part of the day to help.

School is also freaking me out. Well she is crying again. Gotta go.

stress

Tonight I am feeling much better and less stressed because I have been able to spend a good amount of time on my classes today and feel as if I am swimming and not sinking. I appreciate the essence of this course and strive to make it work for me but I also know that this term is going to be very very busy and I will get stressed out at some points. Instead of bottling up my stress and blowing up at people (my husband), I need to talk about my stress and let him know what is bothering me. That is what I need more than anything.

I am really looking forward to seeing my mom tomorrow. I am visiting her for a couple of hours. She has had her 2nd last chemo therapy treatment and is feeling pretty down but I know that seeing her grand daughter always makes her feel a little bit better. Everyone keeps saying that my daughter looks like my mom. Today I was reflecting on that and it brought tears to my eyes. Abigail is the first girl in our family ( I have 6 nephews and no nieces) and she is the apple of my parent’s eye right now. Knowing that she reminds everyone of my mom makes her even that much more special because my mom is so special to so many people. Perhaps Abbi was born to carry on my mom’s torch.

Happy Girl 

Hello! 

malibu Abbi 

dress up at Adria's 

lost in space

well I just typed a message and it is now gone. Frustrating....

I was saying that I haven't been on in a while because I have become slightly addicted to an online forum for moms at www.babywhisperer.com. It has been keeping me busy when I am procrastinating from my courses....

I am taking 4 courses this term. Nuts I know but I will appreciate it when I return to work in May. Lots happening. We toured daycare this week. Fingers crossed that we get in.

Going to ski this weekend. Can't wait for a bit of a break...will feel great to get outside. Hopefully can ski with Suz again.

I met with a counsellor about some of the issues I have been facing with my mom's illness and with dealing with motherhood etc....she said it sounds like I am dealing with changing core beliefs. She pin pointed that one of my beliefs is my ability to prove to other's that I can do everything and not to show weaknesses. I was surprised to hear her pick this out so quickly. She said adulthood challenges these beliefs and that is good. I am starting to make new core beliefs and that is what needs to happen. ....

Should go and read.

New Year's Eve

Well I will make this quick. I have been off line for a while. Had a great Christmas and had a very good time with our family. It was sad though because Jane couldn't be with us - the boys had the flu.

Abbi was amazing. She loved entertaining and getting lots of attention. She also LOVED Jake.

Tonight is New Year's eve. It is such a funny thing. I really could care less about ringing in the new year. It is just another night as far as I am concerned but hopefully I will have a bit of fun. Adria, Dan and Christine are going to come over and play board games. Steve is working.

My mom is doing okay but I still worry about her a lot. I know that there is nothing I can do but love her, spend time with her and be there for her but it is soooo hard to let go.

Gotta run, Abbi is fussing.

Big Girl in Crib 

Great Grandma Duncan 

6 months 

big news

This has been a big week. We found out that Adria and Dan are expecting. She is due on June 17th - two days after Abbi's birthday. I am so excited for them both and pray that everything will go well for them.

I am also finding myself growing more into this whole motherhood role. It hasn't been easy but I feel like I am getting better at things. I don't think I have blown up at Steve for quite a while. He has been working like crazy the last little bit and I have been very understanding and patient. That might end because he went to a Christmas party in Woodstock last night and stayed up until after 5am! I won't have much sympathy for him today I can say that much. We are going to church and then to a Christmas gathering this afternoon. I will make sure he doesn't cop out of it! Abbi got up at 5:30am this morning so I was up then too!

I hope to go away for a night soon. I am not sure where I will go but I think it might be time for me to go somewhere over night.

getting used to this

I think I am getting more and more used to this mom stuff. I can't say it is getting easier because with each stage/age there is a new challenge but I think I am enjoying myself more and not getting too stressed about stuff. Although I haven't been sleeping very well at all and I am wondering what is causing this. I sleep soundly for the first few hours and then toss and turn for hours after that.

We are going to see Steve's grandma tomorrow in TO. She hasn't met Abbi yet and since she is 96 we feel we better do this soon. Hopefully the car ride is fine and she sleeps most of the way.

I finally have a few picture where Abbi is smiling. The little monkey will smile, smile, smile until you pull out a camera.

Equality

I think I know now what has been bugging me so much. I was raised in the era of equality for women. Somewhere along the way I began to think that equality meant a 50/50 split. While this is great ideally, I don't think it is possible. I don't think men are wired to care for children like women. The only problem is how do I tell my brain that this is the case because my brain is screaming for the 50/50. I guess just constant reminders....

Things are good. I took Abbi to get photos done today. No smiles for the camera. She makes me laugh..Oh well - at least she didn't cry.

get me back inside! 

snowy day Dec 2