What a week

A lot of tears this week. The H1N1 flu has been spreading like wildfire here. On Monday Lucas woke up crying and had thrown up in his bed. He had a low grade fever. Monday night it spiked to over 103 and I tried taking him to two clinics but the waits were more than 2.5 hours long. Tuesday morning his fever was 104 and I took him to emerg. We were there four hours. We tried to get him to pee into a bag to check for a UTI but that didn't work. Gary was working and ordered a chest x-ray. It came back with mild pneumonia. We left after a 4 hour visit with prescriptions for Tamiflu and Amoxicillin. While at the hospital, I found out that a board had fallen on the kitten and Steve was concerned it wasn't going to make it. He had to ask a neighbour to drive him and the cat to the Kitty Hospital!

Once home, Steve went to get the medicine for Lucas. On his way home he had to stop at the scene of an accident and help a woman who was having chest pain. Not sure if she was having a heart attack, he called 911.

Lucas didn't sleep the next two nights. His fever was very high and he was miserable! Abby and I went to St. Mary's to get the flu shot which worked out great. The next day though she started having a low grade fever and today her fever shot up to over 103. I went to emerg with her this morning at 4am and she was also diagnosed with this nasty bug. More Tamiflu! Between Tylenol, Advil, Tamiflu and amoxicillin our kitchen looks like a pharmacy!

The kitty is now home but needs a lot of rest. It is in our bedroom sleeping. We have to feed him by hand and help him out. He survived, but we have no idea what long term damage there might be.

Through all the challenges this week there was one major common thread. I miss my mom! When things are really tough (like on Tuesday), I can't help but feel an incredible void because I can't share the load with her. I know she "taught" me well and I am a strong woman because of her teachings but sometimes a person needs their mom.

I love you mom and miss you so much.

Dream

The other night I camped outside with Abbi in the tent. It was her first time sleeping outside in a tent. It went better than I thought it would. What was interesting for me was the amount of dreams I had that night. I didn't sleep well but I found myself having constant dreams...One dream was a magical play time with my mom. I don't know how old I was in the dream but I remember actually playing and running around with my mom. (I have very few memories of physical play with my mom) She was chasing me and playing tag. At one point she caught me and I got a big hug and kiss from her. It was awesome to feel her arms around me and taste her kiss.

Wednesday is Abbi's first day of school. My mom would be excited to share this rite of passage with her. I can't believe it has been 3 years!

Sending kisses to the clouds.

Pure Joy

675A0240, originally uploaded by Duncan x 4.

Funny Girl

675A0242, originally uploaded by Duncan x 4.

sibling love

675A0249, originally uploaded by Duncan x 4.

Motherless moms group

Again so much time has passed. I really don't have much time for writing at all these days. I wanted to mention that I started a group for motherless moms though and have met with them twice. I wish I could do more with the group but it is tough not knowing what everyone needs. It will be 3 years in a couple of weeks since mom passed away. It seems like a lifetime has happened since then. Abbi has grown up so much and Lucas has come along and is quickly growing as well.

Mom I know you are proud of me and are watching over us. I know life wasn't always easy for you and I am really starting to see how challenging life really is. It is incredibly fulfilling and complex but challenging none the less.

I don't regret my decision to have kids but I totally understand why you joked that you should have stuck with puppies! Kids are beyond taxing. I feel like I have gained so much insight into you and I feel even more alike because I seem to share similar views on a lot of issues. Especially in the area of children!

I love you mom and I hope you know that I look forward to the day when we will meet and laugh together again.

Update

I can't believe I haven't written since September. I am returning to work in 6 weeks! I had a tough fall and was diagnosed with PPD just days after my last post. It was a roller coaster ride until deciding to try some medication. Things are a lot better now.

Lucas is crawling like crazy. He is a charming kid.

A struggle

The last month has been a struggle. I think we tried to do too much. We went to Tony's and that weekend went well but everything after that was rocky. We had a few weeks of really bad sleep, no regular naps etc... and Lucas and I were both struggling. Last week after a weekend at the chalet where no one got much sleep I decided we needed a week or so at home to get back on track. Last week we were home much of the week and things have improved. I am feeling more human again and Lucas is napping and sleeping better. Now though he won't go to bed before 9:30pm...that kind of sucks because Steve and I don't see each other.

I think I might have a bit of PPD. I met with a woman last week to talk about it and am seeking some more support. I must say I feel a lot better than last week but still feel a bit defeated. I am irritable all the time and lack fun in my life. I am working on the fun factor.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this slump soon. It is tough on all of us. It makes me miss mom even more though. It would be so great to have her here, to talk to, to hang out with, to go for lunch with etc....Mom you know I love you and miss you!

Happy birthday Mom

I was at the farm today and while there dad got two calls asking for Mrs. Gloor. They must know it is close to her birthday. It was hard on dad taking these calls. You could see him tense up a bit and get more sad because he was reminded yet again that mom isn't coming home. Dad told me today that he still says goodnight and goodmorning to mom every day. He said he feels empty without her. God it is hard to see your dad so lost and sad. I love him so much and while I understand missing her and wanting her back, I wish he didn't feel as empty as he does. It isn't something I can fix which makes it more difficult. I gave him a big hug though and cried with him. What more can I do?

Lucas is almost 3 months. I can barely believe it. He has started sleeping through the night most nights. He is a great baby. Very content and happy if he gets what he wants/needs.

8 weeks

Lucas is 8 weeks old and for the last week I feel like I have been coming out of newborn coma. He is starting to sleep much better during the nights (days are another story) and I feel like I can enjoy my days a bit.

Having 2 is a challenge but mentally I think I am coping better this time. I already have no time for myself and am used to that so I don't have to go through that adjustment. I do have meltdowns though because some days all I seem to do is change diapers, manage attitudes, worry about sleeping and breastfeed...Some days I can slip into the Zen of motherhood. Other days I get agitated by the smallest thing. Normal? I think so...

Zen Motherhood is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot. It is my version of "go with the flow" and try not to be flapable. Not always easy when you are stubborn and hotheaded like me but it is my goal each day to slip into my Zen state.

I miss my mom a lot. Abbi just had her 3rd birthday and I so wish my mom was here to see it. She is such a cutie and my mom would have adored her. They would have enjoyed many special days together I am sure. Mom- I know you are out there and please know how much we miss you and love you.

Birth Story - Lucas Haden

What a birth story....

Tuesday morning at 1am I started feeling some contractions. Had trouble sleeping and wanted to see if they were regular. By 4:30am I decided to wake Steve to tell him. We hung out in bed for a bit. At around 7am I called Sam (midwife) and Leanne (doula) to let them know that I was in early labour. Nothing was moving quickly.

11:30am Sam arrived to check me. I was only 2cm dialated but my cervix was soft and almost effaced and in a good position. My sister took Abbi to lunch at McDonalds and Steve and I went for a walk and then rested a bit.

At 5:45pm Sam came back and checked me. Very little progress had been made all afternoon. I took gravol and Tylenol to try and relax to rest. My heartrate was a bit high. I had a soak in the tub....labour kept stalling....

Around 8:30 or 9pm my temperature was elevated, my heart rate was high and so was the baby's. Sam thought it would be a good idea to go to the hospital. I was about 5cm and dehydrated. Sam wanted me to get an IV at the hospital.

We arrived at St. Joe's....I was the ONLY one there! We checked in and got the IV set up. I spent some more time in the tub and on the toilet but again contractions weren't 100% consistent. I tried some nitrous gas and I made it to about 7-8cm and my water broke. We thought things would move quickly but they didn't. We started talking about "failure to progress" because this was my 2nd baby. Around 2:30am on Wed Sam checked me and I was actually going backwards. My cervix was less thin than the last check. My body was starting to rebel ...

We started talking about other options. I said that I would rather have an epidural than a c-section. The anesthesiologist was called and he began to prep for the epidural. By this point I had fetal monitors on and was not able to move around. Very different from my first birth!

Getting the epidural was tough considering I couldn't MOVE! Once the epidural was in I was fully dialated with 15 -20 min. My body needed an extra push. Then things got a bit scary because I couldn't swallow properly. The epidural was too high and they had to turn it down. Luckily turning it down helped and I was swallowing fine soon. They installed a clip on Lucas to monitor his heart rate internally because the fetal monitor wasn't effective. It kept getting my heart rate instead of his. Pushing with an epidural was extremely tough. I didn't enjoy it at all because I could barely feel the need to push. Luckily I had an amazing team who helped me through. It took quite a while to push him out because the epidural slowed things down and there was concern that I might need forceps BUT finally I was able to see his head and the motivation that gave me was intense.

Steve was taking a break at this point because he was so emotionally spent and worried about me/and the baby....we were worried he was going to miss the birth. We paged him over the hospital paging system and he made it in time to see Lucas born. Keep in mind that the ultrasound radiologist said that the baby was about 90% girl....when Lucas arrived we were all somewhat surprised that Lucas was in fact a boy! He confirmed my intution and my dreams!

I had some tearing (same spots as with Abbi) but considering what we had both been through he was doing great. He was 8lbs 3oz at birth and 21.5 inches long. Huge for my family! He started feeding within 30 min and was very awake.

I really thought that my first birth prepared me for anything (since it was 24 hours of full back labour) but Lucas taught me to expect the unexpected!

I am just relieved and happy that we are healthy and am so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends and an amazing team at the birth who helped keep me grounded.

Could it be?

I haven't written forever...I can't believe I am 10 days away from my due date. It seems surreal to think that there is going to be another baby arriving soon. I have been enjoying my days off with Abbi so much, I will be sad to see our time together come to an end. It does feel like I am bringing home an intruder. I know people talk about feeling that way and it is true...

This pregnancy has been quite smooth. I can't complain about it at all. Life on the other hand has been a bit rocky. We have been trying to sort out finances, a car, Steve's school stuff and more. It seems as though most things have been worked out. It was a long hard winter though and this took its toll on all of us. Especially Steve. He is nearly done his final exam and then school is done for 4 months. A break is needed for sure.

I can't believe that mom will miss the birth of her 8th grandchild....It seems so strange not to have her here. Even though it has been over 1.5 years, it sometimes still feels like she is on a long holiday.

Had to share..

I belong to a motherless daughter's group and one of the women shared these thoughts online. I thought they were beautiful

IN HER FOOTSTEPS

When I think of my Mom, I see her doing cartwheels in our front yard when I was a child,I see her staying up to the wee hours of the night patiently sewing pearls on a homemade gown for my first formal dance in highschool, I see her before her easel in our basement painting colorfull scenes and faces of places and people she would never visit, I see her so tenderly holding her first of three granddaughters with
pure love and wonderment on her face, I see her at the beach with her granddaughters chasing the small waves laughing at their shrieks of delight, I see her fighting to come back to us after terrible strokes with her quiet determination, I see her now frail arms holding her first great granddaughter, not wanting to let go ever, not wanting that sweet moment end, I see her carefully standing with her walker as her
oldest grandson ran to her yelling "grandma!", and yes I see that suddenly still face , never to say "Hi honey" to me again, to wink at me as my Dad says something outrageous again, to smile that speacial smile only grandmothers share in joy as we watched another generation before us.

God grant me the grace, the strength, the laughter, the kindness, the patience,and love that her face wore all those years we had together, that I may in some small way walk in her footsteps.

Are you ever ready?

Tonight I met the woman my dad has been spending a lot of time with. Her name is Linda and it was a brief meeting but I have to wonder, are you ever ready for your dad or mother to date again? In theory, I understand why he wants to have a companion to invite to dinner, the theatre, a movie etc...but my heart still has a hard time with it. I don't like seeing my dad lonely and I know he has been and it must feel awful to eat dinner alone night after night after 40+ years of eating with your wife and family. I get it, but again I ask "are you ever prepared as a child to see this happen?"

I had a doctor's app't today with a new doctor. She did a family history and the room was filled with an overwhelming silence when she recapped my history. No living grandparents, both parents with heart attacks, one deceased parent. She probed a bit more. I told her both my parents smoked their entire lives...that made her feel better. It is hard to talk about this stuff clinically without it bringing up a lot of emotions.

We have adopted a 3.5 year old boxer named Pepper. She is a great dog but we are having some sleep issues. She has slept with us the last 3 nights. Fat dog on my bed / on me does not mean a good night sleep!

I am now 18 weeks pregnant. Freaky! I have an ultrasound in a week. We are going to find out the sex. I am excited and nervous for the ultrasound...

Get Down!

How can you resist posting this? Abbi was dancing like crazy to one of her favourite tunes (Sussudio). Perhaps she is a good partner for Mr. Humpy?